My Husband, A Father

When I first learned that we were having a boy, my initial reactions were:

• Sad, no cute girl clothes. 

• Yes! No teenage girl years!

• Aww! :) A little boy! We're going to have a little boy! :)

• I grew up surrounded by pink and Barbies. I love Gossip Girl. I loathe sports. What the hell do I know about (straight) stereotypical boy stuff? 

• Maybe he'll want to be in the glee club or star in his school's production of Fame. 

• My son has an enormous gift. The absolute best father and role model he could possibly have.

Unlike me, my husband has wanted to be a parent since he was a child. I was more interested in carrying a cap gun in my purse and striking Charlie's Angels poses around every corner of my elementary school, or staging a concert with my Cher doll.

When I was older, I still wasn't bitten by the motherhood bug. Even when my friends started having children,  it wasn't something that I was interested in doing myself. My first husband didn't want to have kids and I was happy about that.

But even then, I did have my moments. I went through three periods of time when I was interested in becoming a mother. The first one lasted a few months, the next one a few weeks, and the next a few days. I'm so glad that I never pursued a pregnancy because I would have done so with the wrong man in the wrong life.

When I finally met the love of my life, I wasn't that far past a divorce and the aftermath. When Drew and I first got together, I was concerned because I knew that having kids was a priority for him and I didn't know if it was something I would ever be interested in doing. Then I opened up. To life. To everything.

Drew and I have something that we call, "being open to the divine." Not closing ourselves off to experiences. Looking at what we're offered with an open mind and heart. We developed this together. Our lives have changed so much, become so much more, since we met each other. This is something we'll pass on to our child.

I can't even begin to describe how happy it makes me that our son is going to learn what it means to be a man from his father. A man unlike any I've ever met. Nathaniel is going to learn about patience and sensitivity, and how to express his emotions. As part of our Adventure Club, he'll be encouraged to explore and his sense of wonder will be nurtured. He'll understand what it means to be grateful and appreciative. He'll see what love looks like every day.

Our son is lucky. He's going to have a wonderful father. And a mother who won't mind if he wants to play dress up in her shoes.

Week 18 - It's a Boy!

We had our 18 week ultrasound on Tuesday, and yes, we found out that we're having a boy! :) We're going to name him Nathaniel Oliver Biehle and call him Nathaniel and Nate. 

Our ultrasound tech was cracking me up. It was taking a long time for her to get all of the measurements that she needed. She was like, "This baby is either shy or stubborn...It's been a while since I've had one like this...Challenging." He was wiggling around all over the place to dodge the uterine paparazzi. She had me turn from side to side, sit up and lie back down, and go to the bathroom just to try to get him to move into better positions for his photo shoot. Finally, she was able to get everything that she needed. We'll go over the results with our OB sometime soon.

Last week we signed up for childbirth classes. These are independent of the hospital and are based on the Birthing from Within book. I'm reading the book now and I'm really excited about the classes. We'll start at the end of April and go through May. It's a little early, but we're planning on moving into a new place at the beginning of June and won't have as much time between then and our due date. This week I'm going to start talking to doulas so we can go ahead and hire one soon.

Over the past few days, I've written Nate's name a few times and it made me smile so much. It's kind of like junior high when you want to cover your notebook with someone's name and a bunch of hearts. :) Yesterday I got my first baby gift - tiny little clothes. So adorable. I can't believe that we're going to have a person that's small enough to fit into them! I've also received a couple of wonderful birth stories from some friends of mine who've had great experiences with natural childbirth. They were very inspiring and reassuring.  

This is all so exciting! :) I've never been so happy.

Yes, I Felt Something!!!!

Today I'm CERTAIN I felt it. Quickening. Fluttering. First fetal movement.

There have been a few instances over the past week when I thought I might have felt something, but I wasn't sure. It could have been stomach rumblings, gas, weird creaks, or whatever. But not today.

This morning while I was sitting at my desk and I absolutely felt the bubbly feeling that I've been reading about. And this time, absolutely nothing else was going on in there for sure, so I KNOW that's what it was.

I've felt it several times today. SO FREAKING COOL.

Week 16

Yesterday was a great day.

• We got a "negative" result for our Quad Screen.

• We met and liked our new OB.

• We got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time.

• We announced our pregnancy to everyone.

On March 9th we're having our second trimester ultrasound and we'll be able to find out the gender. I'm so excited!

In other news, we toured our first day care center on Monday. They will have a space available when we need it, so we're planning to go ahead and reserve it. There are some things that I don't like about it, but it seems good enough for a backup plan in case we don't get into one of the places we prefer right away. Given how hard it is to find infant day care in this city, it will be a relief to know that we'll at least have somewhere to take our child this fall and I don't have to leave him or her with random panhandlers or Starbucks baristas.

Tears + Laughter Is the New Normal

My hormones have been making me so crazy lately. One day, I'll feel completely overwhelmed, like there's no way I'm going to be able to do everything I have to do. Note: Some of the things I'm thinking about don't even have to be done for months and, when I'm thinking like I rational person, I realize I have plenty of time to do them. The next day, I'll feel on top of the world, super productive, Ms. Has Everything Under Control. It's even more fun when I feel one way for about 20 minutes, then suddenly switch to feeling the opposite way. Good times.

Also, the sappy happy tears have started. It happens when I'm watching TV and witness a tender moment between a mother and her child. Yesterday it happened in a coffee shop. A mother was holding her tiny newborn at the table next to mine. First, I had an incredible urge to reach over, rub his soft head, and smell him. No, I didn't do it. Then the tears started. Then the laughter. Just thinking about it is making me laugh again. I also got a little teary when I saw a young girl put her arm around her mom. I need help.

In other news, yesterday I started reading Your Best Birth by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein. Having seen their documentary The Business of Being Born, I'm familiar with some of the material, but it's a good refresher and I think it will be helpful in generating questions that we should ask the OB we're meeting with next Thursday. I think it's also going to be a good resource to have when we write up our birth plan.

Next up: Blood draw on Monday for quad screen, results back in a couple of days or so, meeting with our new OB next Thursday. And probably more laughing and crying.

Week 12

Okay, I can see it better this time. I actually was able to see the heartbeat at my appointment on Tuesday! I realized that I wasn't looking for the right thing. I thought it would be a flickering white light, but no, it's blackish grayish bluish. They really should tell you these things.

Also, we saw the baby move! It did a little flip during the ultrasound. That was pretty awesome. It will be at least another month before I will be able to feel any movement. I'm really looking forward to that. At my appointment I found out that I have a posterior placenta. My doctor told me that because of this I'll be able to feel my baby move earlier and my husband will have an easier time feeling him or her kicking and punching as the pregnancy progresses.

Next on the agenda is the quad screen. I was confused about the type of screening test I was actually having, but this is the one. I'm having blood drawn for the test on February 22nd. My doctor said that he usually gets the results back within a couple of days.

We also had to discuss finding a new provider, since the GYN who has been following my pregnancy up until this point no longer practices obstetrics. He gave us a few recommendations. It felt kind of overwhelming to choose between going back to the midwifery clinic and going to an OB with a "midwifery style." After some thought and reading online reviews of the OB he recommended as first choice for us, I think we may have found our OB. We'll be meeting with him on February 25th. I've heard and read that he is very invested in your pregnancy and you as a person, delivers between 90%-97% of his patients' babies, is very open to and encouraging of natural childbirth, that his wife sews muumuus for you to wear at office visits rather than paper or other types of gowns, and a few mothers wrote that after he delivered their baby he brought in a guitar and played a folk song for their new family. LOL! I have to meet this guy.

So, things are going well and I'm starting to feel more positive about this pregnancy. It was great to have another good ultrasound experience and know that everything is progressing as it should be at this point. More later. :)

Week 9

I know. I can barely see it either.

Yay, a positive ultrasound! My husband and I were so nervous yesterday. The last time we had an ultrasound we found out that we had lost our baby. But yesterday's experience was great. Everything looks good so far - the heartbeat, size, placenta, and other measurements were all fantastic. It definitely gave us a little more confidence that things are going well, even though we're still not past the critical first trimester yet.

We're going back for another ultrasound at 11 weeks, 5 days, just to make sure everything is still going well. We'll have another one done a couple of weeks later as part of the First Trimester Screen. Once we have the results from that, we will decide if we're going to have an amniocentesis or not. I really hope that our screening result ratios are so great that we'll decide we won't need an amnio. I'm worried about the risk of miscarriage from the procedure, even though our doctor has an excellent track record. As far as I'm concerned, the celebration will begin after all that stuff is done and the results are in...somewhere between Week 14 and 17.

Still a while to go, still cautiously optimistic. It's hard to let yourself get completely attached or engaged when you've had a miscarriage. I think I'll feel tons better after the next ultrasound though. That's the same time that we found out we lost our first baby, so it will feel good to get past that mark.

Send good vibes our way!