The Moby Wrap, AKA The Piece of Fabric That Made Me Want To Jump Off a Bridge

Who would have thought that one piece of fabric could make you feel like an insane person? That a chocolate brown sliver of 100% organic cotton could actually reduce a 40 year-old woman to spewing words that her newborn son shouldn't hear from his mother's mouth, uncontrollable sobbing, and lead to a hundred thoughts of why she's not suited for motherhood?

Ahh, the Moby Wrap. Torturers everywhere should have one of these in their bag of tricks. Making their prisoner wrap it and attempt to put a squirming baby in it over and over again will surely make them fess up to who they're working for. It's at least as effective as a litany of sharp objects.

Here are the instructions. All kinds of great ways to "wear" your baby. Cool, right? And it looks simple, right? Easy to follow. You shouldn't need an advanced degree to figure it out. Note: I have one...and it's worthless when it comes to the Cocoa Jersey Nightmare. There are even video instructions all over the web to make it easier. Although none of the ones that I watched address how to make the %#*$ing kangaroo pouch part tighter!

Anyway, after many tries, many tears, much envy (after seeing a woman in Top Pot with her perfectly Moby Wrapped bundle of joy), and tons of help from my adorable husband, I think I've finally sort of mastered it. This morning was a huge accomplishment. I was able to wrap it and wrangle Nathaniel into it while Drew was still sleeping. Downstairs. In another room. And I did it on the first try! Nathaniel was cuddly and happy and fell asleep quickly against my chest. It felt SUPER AWESOME to have him that close and be able to kiss the top of his sweet smelling baby head whenever I wanted. Plus, I could write this blog entry easily. Double bonus.

Bottom line: Even though it might make you turn into a freaking lunatic, learning to conquer the beast will be worth it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE having him in this thing!

Week 39!

Okay, now I'm really starting to feel the waiting!

Only five more days until Nathaniel's official due date. He could be here any time now! Amazingly enough, sometimes it STILL doesn't feel like I'm really about to have a baby. I go into his room and look at those tiny clothes and still can't believe that someone who's small enough to wear them is about to be moving in.

Yesterday was my last day of working in the office. Now I'm going to work from home until I officially start my maternity leave. The organization that I work for doesn't offer any sort of fully paid maternity leave that is separate from vacation/sick/holiday time (which is really surprising to me since I work for a nonprofit children's hospital). Even my former company (a work-you-like you-don't-have-a-life market research firm) offered fathers two weeks of paid paternity leave that was completely separate from all other vacation/sick time. I'm sure their offering for mothers was even better.

I feel lucky that I get to use short term disability for 6 (vaginal delivery) to 8 (Caesarean birth) weeks, even if I'll only be paid 60% of my regular salary. But I don't feel completely lucky. Given what many other countries offer their mothers in terms of paid leave, I also feel extremely pissed off. Think there's a chance I could get German citizenship in a few days and collect my 330 days of paid maternity leave?

Unsolicited Advice

Yesterday a friend warned me against my plan of having a natural childbirth. Granted, she recently experienced a natural birth and I have no idea what it's like, but it was also against her will. She never wanted to have a natural birth. She wanted drugs immediately, but her labor had progressed too far for her to have them. This birth experience went against her birth plan. Already, based on attitude alone, that's not the experience that I would have had.

We've only told a few people about the pregnancy so far. I can't imagine how much "advice" I'm going to get once we're completely out of the closet. Everyone thinks their way is the best way and they just have to pass it on, even if you don't ask. I'm sure it's only just begun. When pregnancy ends, "help" with parenting styles begin.

When people try to tell me that I don't really want what I want, it just pisses me off. These people do not have access to my brain. They have no idea what I think, and it's not my job to sway them to my side. I have no interest in doing that. All women have a unique pregnancy and birth experience. Sure, there are similarities, but I'm talking about the total package. No two pregnancies and births are alike, even for the exact same woman. I don't want to hear how there's no way you could have gotten through birth without an epidural. I don't need my choices to be countered by your horror stories or condescending "you just have no idea" pats on the shoulder.

I'm not saying that I want to live in a vacuum with no advice or information. I do want to know what other women have experienced...IF I ASK THEM. And frankly, if our attitudes toward birth (or parenting or politics or TV or whatever) are at completely opposite poles, guess what? I'm probably not going to ask. If we're not starting out even close to being on the same page, their experience will probably have little relevance to mine. Beliefs, attitudes, perceptions...all of these things play a role in medical or health issues and in life.

It's not like I'm super hardcore on my natural childbirth choice, that there's absolutely no way I would ever have an epidural. Ideally, that is what I would like. I want to do it drug free. But I'm not going to completely close myself off to medicinal pain management if I feel like I really need it. There are just other things I want to try first (hanging out in the tub, walking and moving around a lot...things I couldn't do with an epidural). In an ideal world, that will be enough for me. We'll see how it works out.

I would like to talk to some women who have had a natural childbirth and were happy with their choice. I feel like it's kind of hard to find those women, because we're pretty much taught to fear childbirth and many women wouldn't even consider having a baby without an epidural. I'm scared too, but I think that talking to women who have a more positive view of childbirth will help.