Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My Crazy Brain

I went to a much needed acupuncture session last night. I think the crazy hormone regulation process is boosting my manic tendencies. I've had some real problems focusing lately, and at times it feels like my brain has literally been buzzing.

Also, I got another period. A week and a half before I should have. I guess that's to be expected, but I was kind of surprised since I'd been Ms. 28 days for years. The bright side is that we can throw out the condoms and start trying to conceive again.

It's been so weird lately. I started to realize that I haven't really been thinking about having a baby for the past few weeks. I've been so focused on other things and genuinely enjoying them - working on my novel, trying new restaurants, thinking about traveling - that when Drew brought it up recently, I noticed I hadn't really thought about it. It bothered me. Since I have spent most of my life feeling like I didn't want to have kids, it made me question it. Do I really want a baby?

I talked about it with Drew. I talked about it with a good friend from work. I talked about it, like a million miles an hour, in my brain. I started thinking about some other situations in my life. How I'd cut myself off from emotional risks just to save myself from possibly getting hurt or being disappointed. I started to realize that I may have been subconsciously throwing myself into everything else in my life and blocking out thoughts of possible motherhood because maybe it wouldn't work out. It would be weird to all of a sudden not want to have a baby after I've felt strongly about it for nearly two years. Maybe I was just using a psychological defense mechanism. Sorry, I have a Masters in psychology and a tendency to overanalyze things. :)

And then there's the crazy hormone factor. As my period still isn't back on its normal schedule, I know they're not regulated yet. That has to be playing with my brain processes. I know for sure that it's screwing with my weight.

I read an article in the most recent issue of Whole Living magazine, I think the article had something to do with menopause, but the facts would apply to miscarriage as well. The author said that the dip in estrogen that occurs during menopause leads to an increased production of fat cells. Awesome. What's better than feeling like shit? Being fat and feeling like shit! Right after you have a D&C (or miscarriage, not sure if it is more gradual with a natural miscarriage or not) there is a sharp decline of estrogen, progesterone, and whatever else is involved there. My doctor told me that my hormone levels were so high with the pregnancy that they basically dropped to a "menopausal level" after the D&C. The article I read at least partially explains why I gained weight after the miscarriage.

But enough complaining. I've felt a lot better the past couple of days. I've also been getting more exercise to try wage my own war against the pesky hormones. Thoughts of motherhood have been slowly seeping into my crazy brain again, and I'm looking forward to having a cute baby that I can stroll around Green Lake. I could be on my way relatively soon. :)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Other Me

In case you're interested, I also have another blog that (so far) has nothing to do with pregnancy or motherhood. You can find my other rants and musings at Inward Facing Girl.

IFG is my "main" blog, but I didn't want to write about pregnancy or motherhood there until I was ready to share my news with everyone I know. Now I'm really glad that I didn't.

New Jeans

After wearing yoga pants to a dinner party this weekend, I decided that I just couldn't stand it anymore. I literally had no jeans or pants that fit. Not a single pair. Luckily, it's summer, and I can pretty much live in stretchy American Apparel pull-on skirts. I also work at a place where it's fine for me to wear yoga pants every day, which I've been taking advantage of since I was about 7 weeks pregnant. But I've finally gotten sick of it.

It's one thing to gain weight when you're pregnant. Sure, even then there are times when you feel unattractive and anything but sexy, but at least there's a huge payoff in the end. When you have a miscarriage, you've gained the weight for nothing. You can't wear anything in your closet and you don't have a baby. It's like a double punch in the face.

Yesterday I bought jeans at Old Navy. If you don't know me, you have no idea how huge this is. If you do know me, you may be a little shocked that I've traded in my $180 7 jeans for those that cost $29.50. Other than the size I had to buy, I'm completely satisfied with my new cheap jeans, and glad that I've finally kicked the nasty shopping habit that I picked up the first time I lived in Los Angeles.

Another reason that $30 jeans are good: I'm going to get pregnant again. Soon, I hope. My follow-up appointment went well and I started my first period on Friday. Now I just have to have one more period, then we can start trying again.

I was also happy to find out that the wonderful new doctor that I've found through this experience will see my next pregnancy through its first trimester. He doesn't deliver babies anymore, and I still want to go back to the midwives if everything works out okay, so this will work out perfectly. He'll monitor my HCG levels closely and give me early ultrasounds, which will be a huge relief and will hopefully temper the anxiety I will likely experience during my next pregnancy.

That's all for now. Time to get ready for work, sans yoga pants.

Monday, August 3, 2009

What Happened, Part 2 - Friday, July 3rd and Beyond

The weekend before the D & C was hard for a few reasons - 1) We weren't ever going to have this baby, 2) Our baby was dead and inside of me, 3) I was worried and scared about the actual D & C procedure. On Friday morning it seemed like Monday was forever away.

We went through lots of emotions that weekend - shock and disbelief, extreme sadness, anger, jealousy when we saw other families, pregnant women, or babies, numbness, attempting to console ourselves with impulse purchases. Can anyone say Blu-Ray DVD player with streaming Netflix and a 50" plasma TV? We did. Oh yes...we really did.

Finally the tremendously long weekend (that I had at one time been really looking forward to) was over and it was time to go into the office for the D & C. As I said before, I was lucky to have an extremely good doctor. He spent at least half an hour just talking to us - asking us how we were doing, telling us what we could expect during and after the procedure, and very patiently and thoroughly answering ALL of our questions about the miscarriage and our future plans to conceive.

Since I want to avoid general anesthesia as much as I can in my life, I opted to have the D & C in his office under a local anesthetic (plus a large Valium + Vicodin cocktail) rather than being completely put under in the hospital. Yes, I was very worried about being awake during it, for both physical and emotional reasons. I was thinking about it all weekend. But in the end I was more worried about general anesthesia.

I went home and waited for the Valium and Vicodin to kick in, then I went back to the office 1 1/2 hours later for the actual procedure. Another thing that I liked about this doctor...they allowed my husband to be in the room with me during the D & C. Having him there to hold my hand and talk to me calmed me SO much. The procedure itself lasted less than 10 minutes. At one point there was some moderate cramping that was relatively prolonged, but the physical pain was nothing compared to the horrific cramps I conjured up for myself in my brain over the weekend. Emotionally I was upset because of the finality it represented, but honestly I was more relieved to have that part over with and to be moving forward.

The first week and a half after the D & C was pretty bad. Lots of hormone shifts, lots of tears, exhaustion, lower back pain, and bleeding. Luckily I was able to take some time off work and work from home for part of the second week. Then the oddest thing happened, which I mentioned briefly in one of my earlier posts. It really felt like a switch had been turned off. A week and a half after the procedure I had a horrible morning full of crying jags and I felt extremely sad. I went home from work early, then lay down on my bed and read for a while. I finished my book, closed it, and all of a sudden I felt a lot better. It was bizarre.

This feeling has lasted ever since then. I mean, I still have my moments. I still feel sad that I lost my baby. I still have moments when I see pregnant women or women with newborns and feel completely jealous of them and tears spring into my eyes. But I feel so much better and generally have a positive attitude.

Now I'm just trying to relax, be present, enjoy the life that I have right now, and be patient. Tomorrow I have my D & C follow-up appointment. Any day now I should start my period. The doctor said that it should happen between 4 and 6 weeks after the D & C. He told us that we can start trying to conceive again after my SECOND period, so that should be sometime next month. Hopefully everything will get back on track and I will be pregnant again as soon as possible. It didn't take long the first time, so maybe I'll get lucky with that the second time too. Please send prayers and good vibes our way. We need them.

Thanks for reading my blog. I'll be updating this whenever I have new information, feelings, or stories to share. Hopefully you'll read good news soon!