:)

I barely squeaked in before my 40th birthday on Tuesday. :)

I feel all kinds of things right now - shocked, excited, nervous, terrified. According to the  due date predictor, I'm only 3 weeks along. I'm excited, but because of my previous miscarriage and how early on this is, pretty nervous too.

I'm going to go be in shock for a while now. I just wanted to share this with those of you who've been following my story. :)

Still Working On It

Last month didn't work out.

I decided to buy the Answer Ovulation Test Kit. At under $20 for 20 test sticks, it was a bargain compared to the more expensive $250 fertility monitor. I started using the sticks on Day 5 of my cycle. On Tuesday (Day 10), I got a positive result. At least my LH seems to be working correctly.

One of the things that happened when I was pregnant was that I became more attuned to my body. I was constantly on the lookout for pregnancy symptoms, so things that I may not have noticed before became really obvious. My recent LH surge is no exception. That afternoon I knew that I was having my LH surge. Wanna know how? I got hot and my face started to flush. I told my friend at work, "I'm totally surging right now." I went home and took the test, and there it was...a positive result.

Now the waiting game is on again. Hopefully in two weeks I'll have a different positive test result.

Better Luck Next Month

After days of wondering what was going on, I started my period on Thursday.

Since this month was our first chance of getting pregnant since the miscarriage and my last two cycles have been off, we didn't even attempt to figure out my ovulation days this past month. I guess you can say it was a Russian roulette of sorts.

I was thinking of buying a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitorand test sticks yesterday. Not a cheap choice by any means, but it seems to provide a lot of information that could come in handy with my weird cycles of late. I thought about it for a while, and then decided to give it one more month without dropping $200-$250 instead.

I looked at the calendar, found a wide range of possible fertile days (based on a 21 day cycle, a 24 day cycle, and a 28 day cycle), and informed my husband that we'd be having tons of sex between September 22 and October 1st. He was totally on board. :)

If it doesn't happen this time, I'm buying the monitor.

Negative

Nope. Not pregnant yet.

If I don't start a regular period, I'll take another test next week.

More Waiting

Mysterious very scant spotting continues. This is day three. No real period yet.

I decided to go ahead and buy pregnancy tests at lunch. Even though I may need to wait another week for enough hCG to show a positive result, I just HAVE to take one today anyway. Just in case.

Counting down the minutes until I can go home and take it. I'm leaving early today. Only 21 minutes to go!

The Waiting Game

Am I pregnant? Who knows.

There is a chance that I had sex while I was ovulating this month. Since my newly crazy menstrual cycle has left me with no freaking idea of my ovulation schedule, it's a game of wait and see.

Yesterday I thought I was going to have another early period (at 19 days), but so far it's just very slight spotting. Right now I'm thinking this could be 1) the beginning of another early period, or 2) implantation bleeding.

Only time will tell at this point. I'm just trying to go with the flow (hah) and not get too worked up about it either way. If am pregnant, yay, if I'm not, better luck next month.

In other news, my 40th birthday is coming up in December, and yesterday my husband and I decided that we'd celebrate it in NYC. I haven't been to New York since I was 25. I'm so excited!

My Crazy Brain

I went to a much needed acupuncture session last night. I think the crazy hormone regulation process is boosting my manic tendencies. I've had some real problems focusing lately, and at times it feels like my brain has literally been buzzing.

Also, I got another period. A week and a half before I should have. I guess that's to be expected, but I was kind of surprised since I'd been Ms. 28 days for years. The bright side is that we can throw out the condoms and start trying to conceive again.

It's been so weird lately. I started to realize that I haven't really been thinking about having a baby for the past few weeks. I've been so focused on other things and genuinely enjoying them - working on my novel, trying new restaurants, thinking about traveling - that when Drew brought it up recently, I noticed I hadn't really thought about it. It bothered me. Since I have spent most of my life feeling like I didn't want to have kids, it made me question it. Do I really want a baby?

I talked about it with Drew. I talked about it with a good friend from work. I talked about it, like a million miles an hour, in my brain. I started thinking about some other situations in my life. How I'd cut myself off from emotional risks just to save myself from possibly getting hurt or being disappointed. I started to realize that I may have been subconsciously throwing myself into everything else in my life and blocking out thoughts of possible motherhood because maybe it wouldn't work out. It would be weird to all of a sudden not want to have a baby after I've felt strongly about it for nearly two years. Maybe I was just using a psychological defense mechanism. Sorry, I have a Masters in psychology and a tendency to overanalyze things. :)

And then there's the crazy hormone factor. As my period still isn't back on its normal schedule, I know they're not regulated yet. That has to be playing with my brain processes. I know for sure that it's screwing with my weight.

I read an article in the most recent issue of Whole Living magazine, I think the article had something to do with menopause, but the facts would apply to miscarriage as well. The author said that the dip in estrogen that occurs during menopause leads to an increased production of fat cells. Awesome. What's better than feeling like shit? Being fat and feeling like shit! Right after you have a D&C (or miscarriage, not sure if it is more gradual with a natural miscarriage or not) there is a sharp decline of estrogen, progesterone, and whatever else is involved there. My doctor told me that my hormone levels were so high with the pregnancy that they basically dropped to a "menopausal level" after the D&C. The article I read at least partially explains why I gained weight after the miscarriage.

But enough complaining. I've felt a lot better the past couple of days. I've also been getting more exercise to try wage my own war against the pesky hormones. Thoughts of motherhood have been slowly seeping into my crazy brain again, and I'm looking forward to having a cute baby that I can stroll around Green Lake. I could be on my way relatively soon. :)