Week 9

I know. I can barely see it either.

Yay, a positive ultrasound! My husband and I were so nervous yesterday. The last time we had an ultrasound we found out that we had lost our baby. But yesterday's experience was great. Everything looks good so far - the heartbeat, size, placenta, and other measurements were all fantastic. It definitely gave us a little more confidence that things are going well, even though we're still not past the critical first trimester yet.

We're going back for another ultrasound at 11 weeks, 5 days, just to make sure everything is still going well. We'll have another one done a couple of weeks later as part of the First Trimester Screen. Once we have the results from that, we will decide if we're going to have an amniocentesis or not. I really hope that our screening result ratios are so great that we'll decide we won't need an amnio. I'm worried about the risk of miscarriage from the procedure, even though our doctor has an excellent track record. As far as I'm concerned, the celebration will begin after all that stuff is done and the results are in...somewhere between Week 14 and 17.

Still a while to go, still cautiously optimistic. It's hard to let yourself get completely attached or engaged when you've had a miscarriage. I think I'll feel tons better after the next ultrasound though. That's the same time that we found out we lost our first baby, so it will feel good to get past that mark.

Send good vibes our way!

H1N1 Vaccine?

Have any of you pregnant women out there had the H1N1 vaccine?

There's some controversy surrounding it. The CDC considers pregnant women a high risk group for this type of flu and recommends that all pregnant women get the vaccine at any time during their pregnancy. However, there have been a few reports of women having miscarriages after getting the vaccine. Of course there's a chance that these miscarriages weren't caused by the vaccine, and the timing was just coincidental.

It's hard to know what to do. My doctor recommended getting the vaccine, and after reading about how dangerous it could be for a pregnant woman to contract swine flu, I decided to get it this morning.

Of course, now I'm nervous about it. I just wanted to see if there are any pregnant women out there who have gotten the vaccine and and their unborn babies are fine. Please let me know if you're out there!

Week 5

So, I've had some time to settle in with the news. I'm feeling pretty well, except that I've been more tired this week. I've fallen asleep on the couch before 9:00 every night. Last night I even missed Glee. I guess that's what DVRs are for. The only other symptoms I've had so far are bloating and gas. Fun times! :)

Yesterday I went to see my GYN. It was just an appointment to talk about the plan for monitoring this pregnancy. Last time I didn't have my first ultrasound until I was 11 weeks along, and that's when I found out that our baby didn't have a heartbeat and stopped developing at 8-9 weeks. This time, I'll have my first ultrasound on January 5th. I'll be 8 weeks and 5 days at that point. My doctor said I could have it a week earlier, but he won't actually be in town that day. We decided to just wait until he returned from his vacation.

I feel different this time. A lot more cautious in terms of getting too excited about it. Last time I just couldn't wait to tell people that I was pregnant, but I don't feel that way now. Not yet anyway. I'm worried that I'll have another miscarriage. I'm trying to take it day by day, and just be (relatively) excited that I am pregnant right now.

I feel really lucky that I was able to get pregnant again, and do it so quickly. We just started trying again in September, and I got pregnant in November. Getting pregnant twice in seven months without any kind of fertility treatment seems like quite a feat at my age.

So...so far, so good, I suppose. More later!

My Crazy Brain

I went to a much needed acupuncture session last night. I think the crazy hormone regulation process is boosting my manic tendencies. I've had some real problems focusing lately, and at times it feels like my brain has literally been buzzing.

Also, I got another period. A week and a half before I should have. I guess that's to be expected, but I was kind of surprised since I'd been Ms. 28 days for years. The bright side is that we can throw out the condoms and start trying to conceive again.

It's been so weird lately. I started to realize that I haven't really been thinking about having a baby for the past few weeks. I've been so focused on other things and genuinely enjoying them - working on my novel, trying new restaurants, thinking about traveling - that when Drew brought it up recently, I noticed I hadn't really thought about it. It bothered me. Since I have spent most of my life feeling like I didn't want to have kids, it made me question it. Do I really want a baby?

I talked about it with Drew. I talked about it with a good friend from work. I talked about it, like a million miles an hour, in my brain. I started thinking about some other situations in my life. How I'd cut myself off from emotional risks just to save myself from possibly getting hurt or being disappointed. I started to realize that I may have been subconsciously throwing myself into everything else in my life and blocking out thoughts of possible motherhood because maybe it wouldn't work out. It would be weird to all of a sudden not want to have a baby after I've felt strongly about it for nearly two years. Maybe I was just using a psychological defense mechanism. Sorry, I have a Masters in psychology and a tendency to overanalyze things. :)

And then there's the crazy hormone factor. As my period still isn't back on its normal schedule, I know they're not regulated yet. That has to be playing with my brain processes. I know for sure that it's screwing with my weight.

I read an article in the most recent issue of Whole Living magazine, I think the article had something to do with menopause, but the facts would apply to miscarriage as well. The author said that the dip in estrogen that occurs during menopause leads to an increased production of fat cells. Awesome. What's better than feeling like shit? Being fat and feeling like shit! Right after you have a D&C (or miscarriage, not sure if it is more gradual with a natural miscarriage or not) there is a sharp decline of estrogen, progesterone, and whatever else is involved there. My doctor told me that my hormone levels were so high with the pregnancy that they basically dropped to a "menopausal level" after the D&C. The article I read at least partially explains why I gained weight after the miscarriage.

But enough complaining. I've felt a lot better the past couple of days. I've also been getting more exercise to try wage my own war against the pesky hormones. Thoughts of motherhood have been slowly seeping into my crazy brain again, and I'm looking forward to having a cute baby that I can stroll around Green Lake. I could be on my way relatively soon. :)

New Jeans

After wearing yoga pants to a dinner party this weekend, I decided that I just couldn't stand it anymore. I literally had no jeans or pants that fit. Not a single pair. Luckily, it's summer, and I can pretty much live in stretchy American Apparel pull-on skirts. I also work at a place where it's fine for me to wear yoga pants every day, which I've been taking advantage of since I was about 7 weeks pregnant. But I've finally gotten sick of it.

It's one thing to gain weight when you're pregnant. Sure, even then there are times when you feel unattractive and anything but sexy, but at least there's a huge payoff in the end. When you have a miscarriage, you've gained the weight for nothing. You can't wear anything in your closet and you don't have a baby. It's like a double punch in the face.

Yesterday I bought jeans at Old Navy. If you don't know me, you have no idea how huge this is. If you do know me, you may be a little shocked that I've traded in my $180 7 jeans for those that cost $29.50. Other than the size I had to buy, I'm completely satisfied with my new cheap jeans, and glad that I've finally kicked the nasty shopping habit that I picked up the first time I lived in Los Angeles.

Another reason that $30 jeans are good: I'm going to get pregnant again. Soon, I hope. My follow-up appointment went well and I started my first period on Friday. Now I just have to have one more period, then we can start trying again.

I was also happy to find out that the wonderful new doctor that I've found through this experience will see my next pregnancy through its first trimester. He doesn't deliver babies anymore, and I still want to go back to the midwives if everything works out okay, so this will work out perfectly. He'll monitor my HCG levels closely and give me early ultrasounds, which will be a huge relief and will hopefully temper the anxiety I will likely experience during my next pregnancy.

That's all for now. Time to get ready for work, sans yoga pants.

What Happened, Part 2 - Friday, July 3rd and Beyond

The weekend before the D & C was hard for a few reasons - 1) We weren't ever going to have this baby, 2) Our baby was dead and inside of me, 3) I was worried and scared about the actual D & C procedure. On Friday morning it seemed like Monday was forever away.

We went through lots of emotions that weekend - shock and disbelief, extreme sadness, anger, jealousy when we saw other families, pregnant women, or babies, numbness, attempting to console ourselves with impulse purchases. Can anyone say Blu-Ray DVD player with streaming Netflix and a 50" plasma TV? We did. Oh yes...we really did.

Finally the tremendously long weekend (that I had at one time been really looking forward to) was over and it was time to go into the office for the D & C. As I said before, I was lucky to have an extremely good doctor. He spent at least half an hour just talking to us - asking us how we were doing, telling us what we could expect during and after the procedure, and very patiently and thoroughly answering ALL of our questions about the miscarriage and our future plans to conceive.

Since I want to avoid general anesthesia as much as I can in my life, I opted to have the D & C in his office under a local anesthetic (plus a large Valium + Vicodin cocktail) rather than being completely put under in the hospital. Yes, I was very worried about being awake during it, for both physical and emotional reasons. I was thinking about it all weekend. But in the end I was more worried about general anesthesia.

I went home and waited for the Valium and Vicodin to kick in, then I went back to the office 1 1/2 hours later for the actual procedure. Another thing that I liked about this doctor...they allowed my husband to be in the room with me during the D & C. Having him there to hold my hand and talk to me calmed me SO much. The procedure itself lasted less than 10 minutes. At one point there was some moderate cramping that was relatively prolonged, but the physical pain was nothing compared to the horrific cramps I conjured up for myself in my brain over the weekend. Emotionally I was upset because of the finality it represented, but honestly I was more relieved to have that part over with and to be moving forward.

The first week and a half after the D & C was pretty bad. Lots of hormone shifts, lots of tears, exhaustion, lower back pain, and bleeding. Luckily I was able to take some time off work and work from home for part of the second week. Then the oddest thing happened, which I mentioned briefly in one of my earlier posts. It really felt like a switch had been turned off. A week and a half after the procedure I had a horrible morning full of crying jags and I felt extremely sad. I went home from work early, then lay down on my bed and read for a while. I finished my book, closed it, and all of a sudden I felt a lot better. It was bizarre.

This feeling has lasted ever since then. I mean, I still have my moments. I still feel sad that I lost my baby. I still have moments when I see pregnant women or women with newborns and feel completely jealous of them and tears spring into my eyes. But I feel so much better and generally have a positive attitude.

Now I'm just trying to relax, be present, enjoy the life that I have right now, and be patient. Tomorrow I have my D & C follow-up appointment. Any day now I should start my period. The doctor said that it should happen between 4 and 6 weeks after the D & C. He told us that we can start trying to conceive again after my SECOND period, so that should be sometime next month. Hopefully everything will get back on track and I will be pregnant again as soon as possible. It didn't take long the first time, so maybe I'll get lucky with that the second time too. Please send prayers and good vibes our way. We need them.

Thanks for reading my blog. I'll be updating this whenever I have new information, feelings, or stories to share. Hopefully you'll read good news soon!

What Happened, Part 1 - Thursday July 2nd

As I mentioned earlier, we went in for our first ultrasound on Thursday, July 2nd. I was 11 weeks pregnant and very excited about seeing our baby for the first time, but also nervous about if the baby was okay.

Early pregnancy is weird. You can't feel the baby move and pregnancy symptoms aren't always there, so sometimes it feels like you're not even pregnant. The ultrasound was going to be my first "real proof" that a baby was actually growing inside of me and that everything was going okay.

I had no signs of a miscarriage. No cramping. No bleeding. Up until the moment of the ultrasound, I thought everything was fine. They did the ultrasound and I saw the baby, but there was no heartbeat. The ultrasound technician took measurements that indicated the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks, 6 days. We were devastated. The technician brought in an apologetic radiologist who confirmed her findings. They told me that nothing needed to be done right away (it was about 4:30 on the Thursday of a holiday weekend), but that I needed to call my midwife on Monday to discuss my options.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait until Monday. Probably 30 minutes after we got home, I got a call from one of the midwives at my midwifery practice. The ultrasound technician had faxed my results to her. She was very sympathetic and talked to me about my options - I could wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally (which could take a couple of weeks), take drugs to make it happen faster, or have a D & C. There was no way I was waiting for anything to happen, naturally or with drugs. I wanted the D & C. I wanted it right that second, but I knew that wasn't possible. She gave me a referral for a GYN and told me that his office was closed on Friday, but I could call him on Monday to schedule the procedure.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait until Monday. Within half an hour, the GYN called me. I didn't answer, so he left a very kind message, told me that he would get me in on Monday morning, and said he'd call me again to talk more about it that weekend. He called me the very next morning...on a holiday weekend...and I'm not even his patient. Seriously, this guy was amazing. One thing I feel lucky about was that I had a very good experience with all of the medical professionals I had to deal with during this time...except for the woman drew my blood at LabCorp on the day of the procedure. She was a beeyotch.

When the shock began to wear off a bit, Drew and I e-mailed the people who knew about the pregnancy and told them what happened. Thank God for e-mail. I would have hated to have to tell everyone in person or by phone. I felt fine talking about it after people initially knew, but it was really hard to actually tell someone what happened. I only had to do that twice, and both were people I wanted to call right away - my mom and my cousin (who had gone through it herself).

The first night was hard. A lot of tears and disbelief. Trying to come to terms that the plans we'd made were not happening, at least not for this baby. Part of me thought of this child as a miracle baby who was meant to be - since I'm older, I got pregnant the very first time that I could when we decided to start trying, and it happened on our honeymoon - and that there was no way anything would go wrong. It was extremely difficult to give up our dreams and plans.

It's Been Really Rough

Starting yesterday at 5:00 PM was the first time that I've felt really normal for any extended period of time since I found out I'd had a miscarriage. Yesterday morning and early afternoon I felt absolutely horrible, then when I finished reading the very last page of Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously, I closed the book and for some reason felt great. It was really weird given that yesterday was one of my worst days - very high levels of anxiety and many crying spells. Last night my wonderful husband took me to see Bruno and the good mood continued. So far it's lasted on into today. I feel more like myself today since this whole thing started.

I'm planning to write about the miscarriage, what happened, what I had to go through, how I've felt, and how I've tried to deal with it. I think it's going to be better for me to write about these things in small chunks of individual postings. Like I said, I'm having a good day today and am not in the mood to revisit things right now. But since anywhere from 10%-30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and this rate doesn't even count for the very early miscarriages that occur in women who don't even realize they are pregnant, I'd like to share my thoughts and experience in case it will help other women.

Thank you for reading and for your comments and support.

Sad News

I went to my ultrasound appointment on Thursday and there was no heartbeat. I was 11 weeks pregnant, but the embryo only measured 9 weeks. Yesterday I had a D&C.

I'm going to write more about this experience, as well the journey of my next pregnancy. Right now I'm just having a hard time dealing with this and need to take a break. Writing has always helped me get through difficult times though, so I know I'll be back here soon.

Thanks for your comments and for reading.