So, I'm Going to Be a Mom

"Two" Many Blogs

2011-01-04T06:33:00.000-08:00

I want to write more in 2011 and it seems like I'm having trouble keeping up with one blog, let alone two. So, my big plan is to combine my posts about motherhood and life into the same blog. As motherhood is a HUGE HUGE HUGE part of my life now, it makes total sense.

Since I've had Inward Facing Girl for some time now, and the title and content are about more than motherhood, that's the blog I'll be using.

There's still some good stuff in this blog (and I don't want to lose the chronicling of my pregnancies), so I'm leaving it live for people to read the archives. Who knows? I may decide to use it again someday. But for now, on to Inward Facing Girl...I hope you'll join me there! :)

Happy 2011!

311/365: What Made Me Cry Today

2010-11-08T09:46:00.001-08:00

311/365: What Made Me Cry Today, originally uploaded by Drew & Melanie.

Reposted from Inward Facing Girl

Amy Krouse Rosenthal's Little Books

2010-10-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

Reposted from Inward Facing Girl

I LOVE these books!

I first heard about Amy Krouse Rosenthal when my dear friend Courtney sent me a copy of Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life, which I immediately fell in love with. I did some research on the author and learned that she also writes children's books and does cool projects like The Beckoning of Lovely.

Anyway, back to now. A few weeks ago, I popped into Essenza (with my dear friend Barbara), and took a look at their (mostly overpriced) alcove of stuff for kids. I found these adorable little board books that I started flipping through, then noticed that they were written by AKR. Cool! I ended up buying Little Oink, the story of a pig who hates making a mess, but decided to wait on Little Pea (a pea who hates to eat candy but has to do it if he wants his vegetable dessert) and Little Hoot (the owl who hates to stay up late). A couple of weeks later, I decided to buy the rest of the books on Amazon. Shame on you, Essenza. Nice trick you pulled of breaking up the set of board books so you could charge your customers more for them. They're only sold in a set! And you overcharge for Sophie the Giraffe too. Bitches.

The Little Books are adorable. The stories are cute and fun, and I love the illustrations. Another great children's book by AKR is Spoon. It's about an adorable little spoon who learns to appreciate his own gifts rather than envying the specialness of his friends knife, fork, and chopsticks.

I enjoyed kids' books before I had my own little munchkin to read them to, but now it's even more fun to discover these gems.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2010-10-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

This week I went back to work and Nathaniel started day care. The first day was so incredibly hard. I really REALLY didn't want to leave him there. It's a good program and I'm not worried about his safety, but I just didn't want to leave him. There were many tears (mine...he was totally fine and smiley, thank God). The second, third, and fourth days were easier, but I miss the little guy during the day.

At the same time, I'm really glad to be working again. No, I wouldn't choose a full-time job if I didn't absolutely have to have one, but I also know that I couldn't be a full-time "stay-at-home" mom either. I know myself well (after all, I spent 40 years being responsible for only me and building my own life), and I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have a good bit of time during the week when I wasn't involved with childcare.

Now is the time to see how everything fits together. After eight weeks of maternity leave, it's time to see what real life looks like. Drew and I are trying to perfect our morning routine this week. Once the work thing gets figured out, what about everything else? Time to spend with Nathaniel, time to spend with Drew, time to spend with friends, time to spend with me...how does it all work? The answer to that question eludes me. And then there's all the laundry...

How do you moms do it? How do you organize your time and lives?

The Moby Wrap, AKA The Piece of Fabric That Made Me Want To Jump Off a Bridge

2010-09-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought that one piece of fabric could make you feel like an insane person? That a chocolate brown sliver of 100% organic cotton could actually reduce a 40 year-old woman to spewing words that her newborn son shouldn't hear from his mother's mouth, uncontrollable sobbing, and lead to a hundred thoughts of why she's not suited for motherhood?

Ahh, the Moby Wrap. Torturers everywhere should have one of these in their bag of tricks. Making their prisoner wrap it and attempt to put a squirming baby in it over and over again will surely make them fess up to who they're working for. It's at least as effective as a litany of sharp objects.

Here are the instructions. All kinds of great ways to "wear" your baby. Cool, right? And it looks simple, right? Easy to follow. You shouldn't need an advanced degree to figure it out. Note: I have one...and it's worthless when it comes to the Cocoa Jersey Nightmare. There are even video instructions all over the web to make it easier. Although none of the ones that I watched address how to make the %#*$ing kangaroo pouch part tighter!

Anyway, after many tries, many tears, much envy (after seeing a woman in Top Pot with her perfectly Moby Wrapped bundle of joy), and tons of help from my adorable husband, I think I've finally sort of mastered it. This morning was a huge accomplishment. I was able to wrap it and wrangle Nathaniel into it while Drew was still sleeping. Downstairs. In another room. And I did it on the first try! Nathaniel was cuddly and happy and fell asleep quickly against my chest. It felt SUPER AWESOME to have him that close and be able to kiss the top of his sweet smelling baby head whenever I wanted. Plus, I could write this blog entry easily. Double bonus.

Bottom line: Even though it might make you turn into a freaking lunatic, learning to conquer the beast will be worth it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE having him in this thing!

BabyCenter Blog Post: What would you tell your pre-mom self?

2010-09-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

Ran across a tweet linking to this post during a feeding last night. Good advice.

FREE: Adorable, Well-Mannered Baby Boy, Wardrobe Included

2010-09-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm not really going to give you my baby, but there have been times during the past few weeks when I may have given the proposal fleeting mild consideration.

Lack of sleep. It seems like that's all people really talk about when they find out you're having a baby. "You'd better sleep now," they chant when you're pregnant. What they don't tell you is that you'd better make a list of all the things you like to do, notes about your personality, and reminders of your hopes and dreams because you actually forget who you are during the first few weeks of living with and caring for a newborn.

This is what I'm learning about motherhood so far...and it's only been four weeks. In no particular order:

Full-time, stay-at-home moms have one of the hardest jobs on the planet. My husband works at home and can lend a hand during the day when necessary (e.g., I can take a shower uninterrupted every day) and taking care of a newborn all day (and the household chores that go along with it) can still be overwhelming.

Feeling like you'd do anything to get away from your baby one minute, then 10 minutes later be absolutely dying to hold him is "normal." And this pattern can repeat itself several times in one day...or one hour.

It is possible, although not preferable, to (somewhat) function on four hours of sleep.

Sometimes you can feel so much love for your baby that staring into his sweet face will make you cry.

Sometimes you miss your pre-baby life. This doesn't mean that you're a bad mother or that you don't love or want your baby.

Sometimes you can miss your baby so much that you seriously consider leaving a movie (that you're enjoying and have been waiting to see forever) and rushing home halfway through it.

Sometimes you look forward to your maternity leave being over and going back to work. This doesn't mean that you're a bad mother or that you don't love or want your baby.

Other times you never want your maternity leave to end, you wish you didn't have to work, and it makes you sick and upset that someone else has to take care of your baby.

Other times you just want to run away from it all and live in Paris.

Fussiness at 2:00 AM can transform the cutest baby in the world into uncute.

Changing a baby in a public restroom is difficult. So is washing your hands while holding a newborn.

Being alone with your baby can bring on some of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

When you have a newborn, you can miss your husband even if he's sitting in the same room as you are.

When you have a newborn, you can miss your TV even if it's sitting in the same room as you are.

If you want to leave home with your baby, you have to carry a lot of shit with you.

Strollers and car seats can be tricky to operate and may cause you to say things in front of your baby that he shouldn't hear.

If your husband/partner/friend/family member offers to take care of your baby and give you a couple of hours to yourself to go to a coffee shop and write, take them up on it. Free time and sanity can be hard to come by.

Okay. That's what I've learned so far...that I can remember, anyway. More from the trenches later.

P.S. My laptop battery is low and I'm missing my adorable son. He and his father should be strolling over here any time now and I can't wait to see the little munchkin. And his handsome father. :) Sigh.

Problem: Breastfeeding Sucks

2010-09-01T15:47:00.000-07:00

I mentioned earlier that I had some breastfeeding issues after Nathaniel was born. I just wanted to write a little bit about that here just in case some poor woman is crying and searching the web at 2:30 AM looking for someone who understands what she's going through.

For the first ten days of his life, my baby wasn't getting enough to eat. Not nearly enough...meaning about 1/2 ounce per feeding when he should have been getting two to three ounces. We went in for a weight check and the poor kid had only gained 1/2 an ounce in nearly a week. He should have been gaining that much, minimum, per day.

Obviously, this isn't something that we knew on day one, but something that required much pain and turmoil (for all of us) to learn. We read stuff online. We consulted with pediatricians, a nurse, and a lactation consultant. I started taking fenugreek. I tried a more powerful hospital grade breast pump. We tried a horrific feeding routine that included feed on the right breast for 10 minutes, feed on the left breast for 10 minutes, supplement with two ounces of formula, and pump both breasts for 15 minutes. This entire process took nearly an hour to finish, then had to be repeated again about an hour following its completion. Between the hormones and the sleep deprivation, I was only able to keep this up for about four days without going completely insane. But I came really close.

I cried a lot. I hated my life. I talked to a couple of friends. One of them recommended MOBI Motherhood International, which seemed like a good resource. In the end, breastfeeding didn't work out for us. My milk supply wasn't changing at all and the toll it was taking on my sanity and our lives didn't warrant trying for longer just to see if it would potentially change. Note: My pediatrician said that it most likely would not. In 1996 I had a needle biopsy of my left breast (which was my worst milk producer), and the lactation consultant mentioned that it's possible that some of my milk ducts were damaged during the procedure. She encouraged me to keep up the jump-off-a-bridge inducing feeding routine for a couple of more weeks to see if there was any change, but I just couldn't do it. I also read about women who continued to partially breastfeed their babies even when their bodies didn't produce enough milk, but I didn't feel like that was the right option for us.

Even though I couldn't physically produce nearly enough milk to feed my baby and I'd given it a decent try, I still felt guilty. It seems like there's a lot of pressure to breastfeed, no matter the cost. But I can understand that. Breastfeeding is better for your baby than formula. Yes, even the organic formula that we decided to go with. I'd been planning to breastfeed Nathaniel for at least six months with a stretch goal of one year. Now, he'd only be getting two weeks worth of the good immune boosting stuff I could pass on to him, and I felt horrible about it.

Plus, I was sad that I was going to miss out on the bonding that comes with breastfeeding. Sure, most of the time I was doing it with him I would have rather had someone give me 500 paper cuts then drench me with a flesh burning substance, but I'm thinking about the idyllic relationship we could have had without the problems. I'm really sad that I'm not going to get to experience it that way.

We've been solely formula feeding for almost two weeks now and I have to say that life has been easier. My husband and I can switch off on feedings and get a relatively good amount of sleep each night. And the biggie...our son is gaining weight and he is healthy. And that's what is most important. If you're a mother who is going through something like this and experiencing similar feelings, just remind yourself of that and surround yourself with people who'll do the same. It helps.

Things I've Already Done That I Thought I Wouldn't Do

2010-08-23T14:07:00.001-07:00

Doing His Best Milton Berle
Originally uploaded by Drew & Melanie

Tsk, tsk...is he showing his displeasure already?

There are certain things that you think that you're going to do or not do before a baby arrives. Then there's the reality. Here are the things I've already done that I was pretty certain I wouldn't do, at least not yet.

1. Give him a pacifier - We were planning to wait until he was at least 3 weeks old so he could establish breastfeeding, but we ended up giving it to him before we even knew that breastfeeding wasn't going to work out for us.

2. Give him formula - Although, this HAD to be done for medical reasons, so it really doesn't count as a best laid plan that has gone awry.

3. Have him sleep in our bed - He is doing a good job of sleeping in the bassinet in our room a good bit of the time, but sometimes he's with us. And I like it. :)

4. Watch TV while he was in the room - I...just...couldn't...take it anymore. It was only a couple of shows, Design Star and Royal Pains, and he was sleeping! I'm not planning to do it very often and I'm not going to watch True Blood while he's in the room.

Okay, that's all I have to confess so far. More later, I'm sure.

So, I AM a Mom!

2010-08-21T10:50:00.001-07:00

My Beautiful Son, Nathaniel Oliver Biehle - Born August 6, 2010

Whew. It's been a joyful, crazy, magical, dreadful, emotional couple of weeks. :)

I wanted to write about my birth experience before my brain is completely gone. It might be too late, but I'll give it a shot.

On Thursday afternoon around 2:45 PM I decided that I would watch the first episode of Mad Men online. Good show, by the way. That's when I had my first contraction. It was obviously noticeable, but mild, so I still wasn't sure if it was a labor contraction or a Braxton Hicks contraction. I continued to watch Don Draper smoke cigarettes. About 20 minutes later, I had another.

Then it was time to go to my weekly OB appointment. My doctor checked me out and told me I was 1.75 cm dilated, 100% effaced, and that Nathaniel was in the 0 station. I told him that I'd had 2 or 3 contractions at 20 minutes apart before I got to his office and he said that we should just keep an eye on things and see what happens. He didn't think I was really in labor at that point.

We left his office and the contractions kept coming. At around 4:30 or 5:00, they were about 10 minutes apart. I tried to watch the second episode of Mad Men, but even Don Draper couldn't distract me at this point. Okay, so maybe I could watch something else. Something I didn't really have to pay attention to. Maybe something I'd already seen. I turned on the TV and E! was showing Knocked Up.

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

Perfect.

But that didn't really work to distract me either. I finally started to think, "Maybe I really am in labor." Even though I felt that I needed to move around in different positions to deal with the contractions and use my birth ball, I still wasn't convinced.

At this point, I was in our living room with Drew and he was finishing up his work because we thought that there's a good chance we'd be heading to the hospital soon. I also did a few last minute things for work between contractions. We called our doula and let her know what was going on. At around 6:00, the contractions were 5 minutes apart. We were supposed to call our OB when they were 5 minutes apart for 2 hours. Drew made dinner. I ended up not being able to finish my dinner before we left for the hospital, so I got mad at him. :)

By 7:00, I was getting worried. Things that were going through my head: "I don't want to have the baby in my apartment!" "How am I supposed to deal with these contractions in the car?" "If it's this bad now, how bad is it going to get?" "Why didn't Drew make dinner earlier? I'm starving!"

We had most of our stuff ready for the hospital, but didn't have the bag packed yet. We rushed around to get everything packed, fed the cat, and called our doctor and doula at nearly 8:00 PM. I had just seen my OB a few hours before and I don't think he really thought we were going to have the baby that night, but he told us to go ahead and go to the hospital if we felt like we were ready to do that. I was definitely ready to do that.

I don't remember much about actually going to the hospital or checking in. We were in our room by 8:30 PM and the nurse came in to examine me and by that point I was only 2 1/2 cm dilated. Our doula arrived shortly after we did. The nurse called my OB and he said that he'd like me to be monitored for 2 hours. If there was no progression, I could go home if I wanted. Whatever, I wasn't going anywhere.

The contractions were more difficult at this point, and since about 6:15 - 6:30, they'd been about 4 minutes apart. Our nurse and doula suggested I try getting in the tub. I thought that sounded like a great idea. I kept wondering how long I could hold out without getting an epidural. I really didn't want to have one, but I also really didn't think I could do this without it. Each time I had a contraction, I felt like I was going to ask for one. Then, when the contraction ended, I decided not to.

The tub helped. It helped me relax, as much as one can relax when a baby is making his way through your body. For some reason, maybe because Drew is a fan and we saw him at the Temecula Balloon and Wine Festival in 2008, the Kenny Loggins' song, Don't Fight It started playing in my head. Thank you for coming to me during the birth, Kenny. I had a few breaks between contractions that seemed a little more peaceful...for a little while, at least. I stayed in there for almost 2 hours.

When I got back to the room, I found out I had progressed to 5 cm. Halfway there. The nurse called my OB to let him know. The rest of the timeline is pretty much a blur. My doula wrote some things down for me and will be sending the info soon, so maybe I'll update this post with more accurate information at some point. Here are some things that I remember:

During the rest of the labor, I usually kept my eyes closed. I felt like I really needed to go within. I tuned most of the talking out and I hardly ever looked at anyone.

It's not helpful for a nurse to tell you, "Okay, when you get to about 7 cm you're going to go into transition and it's going to be a lot more intense and you're going to feel out of control." She said this about three different times before my doula escorted her out and asked her not to say that to me again. Geez, lady. This is hard enough as it is. You think I want to hear that shit? Seriously?

Some of the things that I heard about during my childbirth class (going into "labor land" when you feel out of it/in a different world, your body taking over and doing some sort of "rhythmic" activity) really did happen. Even before transition, at times I felt like I wasn't really part of the world that everyone else in the room was in. And during transition, I found some sort of rhythmic "chant" ("Sha! Sha! Sha! Sha!") that I used for a while during the contractions.

I stood up a lot during labor - walking, bouncing, bending over the bed, swaying. I also labored a good bit on all fours on the bed. These positions seemed to work best for me.

At the end of transition, I started my pushing phase. Luckily, my OB made it to the hospital in time. He was actually stopped for speeding on the way there! The police officer actually called the nurse's station to verify that he was an OB and had a patient in labor! I thought this stuff only happened on TV. I pushed for 1/2 an hour. I remember thinking that even though pushing was really hard, it seemed better than transition. I was very vocal during labor - "Sha!"ing, moaning, screaming, whatever - but at this point, my OB gave me a tip. Apparently my doula and nurse had said this same thing, but for some reason it never made it through the thick cloud of "laborland." He told me to take all of my energy that I was using vocally, push it down through my body, and apply it towards pushing. That really helped.

At 12:55 AM, Nathaniel slithered out of me. That's what it felt like. Actually, when I tell people what it felt like, I use a sound to convey the feeling, but I can't do that in writing. My total labor time from 2:45 PM on Thursday to 12:55 AM on Friday was 9 hours and 50 minutes, and my total labor time in the hospital was 4 hours and 25 minutes. I was SO GLAD for it to be over. It was incredibly painful, but I'm really glad that I got to do it naturally, the way that I wanted.

Right after Drew cut the cord, I got to meet my baby for the first time. They placed him on my chest where he remained for at least an hour. He was beautiful and perfect. I was so happy and so emotional and overwhelmed (in a good way). He nursed within the first hour, which was awesome. Unfortunately, breastfeeding did not end up going well and I just recently had to stop doing it, but that's another story for another day. I want to stick to the happy story right now. It was amazing to look at my baby and think that this little boy had been inside my body! And now he's here with us...and the adventure begins.

Week 39!

2010-08-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, now I'm really starting to feel the waiting!

Only five more days until Nathaniel's official due date. He could be here any time now! Amazingly enough, sometimes it STILL doesn't feel like I'm really about to have a baby. I go into his room and look at those tiny clothes and still can't believe that someone who's small enough to wear them is about to be moving in.

Yesterday was my last day of working in the office. Now I'm going to work from home until I officially start my maternity leave. The organization that I work for doesn't offer any sort of fully paid maternity leave that is separate from vacation/sick/holiday time (which is really surprising to me since I work for a nonprofit children's hospital). Even my former company (a work-you-like you-don't-have-a-life market research firm) offered fathers two weeks of paid paternity leave that was completely separate from all other vacation/sick time. I'm sure their offering for mothers was even better.

I feel lucky that I get to use short term disability for 6 (vaginal delivery) to 8 (Caesarean birth) weeks, even if I'll only be paid 60% of my regular salary. But I don't feel completely lucky. Given what many other countries offer their mothers in terms of paid leave, I also feel extremely pissed off. Think there's a chance I could get German citizenship in a few days and collect my 330 days of paid maternity leave?

Week 34

2010-07-01T15:12:00.000-07:00

I can't believe we're almost there!

We've taken a bunch of classes. We had our baby shower. We met with our doula this week to go over some things about labor and the birth. We're touring the childbirth center at our hospital next week. It's almost time...sort of. :)

The third trimester has brought some mood swings. One day I feel awesome and on top of the world and the next I feel irritable and/or teary. I know that some of this is because we recently had to deal with looking for a new place to live and moving, which is stressful even if you aren't in your third trimester of pregnancy, but some of it is purely hormonal.

Aside from the weird moods, physical slowness (it takes me much longer to walk to my office when I get off the bus these days), and difficulty getting comfortable, turning over in bed, and getting up out of chairs and off the couch, I'm feeling pretty good. :)

I'm so excited that it's almost time to meet our baby! I can't wait to see him, hold him, and kiss him for the first time. I can't wait to be a mom. I can't wait to get to know our son. I can't wait to see Drew with our baby. He's going to be such an amazing father and I can't wait to witness it.

I'm also nervous. I'm nervous about being a good mom. I'm nervous about knowing/learning how to take care of him. I'm worried about our finances. I'm worried that my lack of mommy skills will warp him forever. You know, the usual stuff. :)

This is going to be a huge adventure and I'm ready for it to start. I can't imagine what it's going to be like and I'm looking forward to finding out.

Catch Up with Me on Inward Facing Girl

2010-06-07T12:17:00.000-07:00

I've been super busy trying to get moved and settled before Nathaniel's arrival, so catch up with what I've been up to on my primary blog, Inward Facing Girl. :)

Week 25 - Birth Art Assignment #1

2010-04-29T07:28:00.000-07:00

Last night Drew and I started our childbirth classes at Amazing Mama Birth Services in Bothell. Our instructor, Oesa, bases her classes on the Birthing from Within method. One of the Birthing from Within techniques is the use of creative expression (specifically birth art and journaling) to explore your feelings and attitudes about birth.

For our first birth art assignment, we had the choice of creating a "birth landscape" or thinking about creating our birth space and what we feel needs to be there. I chose the second option and created this drawing to represent what I need emotionally in my birth space.

In the middle of the page, there's a large pink circle with a dab of blue in the middle which represents me and Nathaniel, and right next to us there's a blue circle representing Drew. We're surrounded by a thick circle of red, which represents a strong bond of love and support. Nearby are two circles representing our OB and our doula, who are separate from us but still sharing our space and providing support. The black exterior represents all of the negativity surrounding birth, including other people's negative and unhelpful opinions, as well as the doubts and fears that swim around in my own mind. In my birth space there's a shield against this type of thought and imparted "wisdom." The warm colors on the inside represent strength and confidence and the cool colors represent being calm and focused during the birthing process.

I think that making birth art is going to be a cool way to think about my own childbirth perceptions and help me start to get into the mindset that I want to have when it's my time to give birth. I'm looking forward to next week's class! :)

Week 24 - Babymoon!

2010-04-21T06:22:00.000-07:00

Drew and I are headed to Kauai for our first anniversary/babymoon trip. Neither of us have been to Hawaii and we're super excited for several days of relaxation and exploring. With all of the things that we have ahead of us, this looks like it could be our last chance to really chill for a long time. :)

When we get back, we immediately begin our apartment search. Hopefully it won't take too long because we're planning to move at the end of May/beginning of June.

We start our childbirth classes two days after we get back from our trip. In addition to the four week childbirth series, we're taking a "bringing home baby" workshop (practical newborn care), a breastfeeding class, and an infant safety/CPR class.

We have to finish our baby registry. My friend is planning to throw a baby shower for us a couple of weeks after we move into our new place. After the shower, we have to buy the rest of the things that we need for little Nathaniel.

Then, hopefully in this order, it's time for labor and he's here!

Books for Kids

2010-04-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

I have a love-hate relationship with Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP. Much of the time, it's full of information that's useless to me, but today's issue was crammed with children's book recommendations. I'm looking forward to checking out many of them.

Since Nathaniel can hear my voice now (22 weeks, yay!), I read him his first story a couple of days ago. For obvious reasons, I chose Nate the Great by Marjorie Weinman Sharmat. I didn't read this book as a child, so it was my first time hearing the story too. I was excited to learn that there's a whole series of Nate the Great books!

Drew and I are big readers and we can't wait to start the ritual of reading to our son at bedtime.

Week 20 - Halfway There!

2010-03-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm at the halfway point! It seems like yesterday when I saw the word "pregnant" on that little digital stick.

I've been feeling pretty good and I'm getting more exercise. We recently bought Wii Fit Plus and I've been pretty motivated to use it. I also have some DVDs on the way - Summer Sanders' Prenatal Workout and Jennifer Wolfe's Prenatal Vinyasa Yoga and Short Forms 2 DVD Set. I'm trying to take advantage of the extra energy when I have it!

While I am feeling more energetic, I'm losing out in the sleep department. I've joined the 78% of pregnant women who experience insomnia during pregnancy. It started a couple of weeks ago. It's weird because I've always been a hard sleeper who falls asleep fast and doesn't wake up until morning. I guess my body needs a lot of preparation to get ready for those late night feedings.

Last week we met with and hired our birth doula. Rebecca seems great, and we're really excited to work with her. She's been a doula for about four years now and has attended over 100 births. We really liked her attitude, philosophy, and warm personality.

Warning...the next paragraph has a high ick factor.

Have you ever heard of placenta encapsulation? No? Neither had we. Drew and I read about this recently and my initial reaction was, "Eww! No way! I would never take capsules filled with my dried placenta." This is an optional service that our birth doula offers, so she gave us some information about it during the interview. I'm still leaning toward the no side, but after hearing the information and reading more about it online, I'm not as freaked out as I was when I first heard about it. There aren't any clinical trials that back the benefit claims at this point, so the evidence is really theoretical. Who knows, it could just be placebo effect - no one seems to be sure what effect the drying of the placenta has on the hormones/other stuff that are thought to be beneficial. If anyone out there reading this blog has done this, please share your results in the comments section - especially if you've had two children and did it with one but not the other.

Okay, now that I've left you with that in your mind, time to move on and brighten the day for others. :) Happy Tuesday!

My Husband, A Father

2010-03-16T07:14:00.000-07:00

When I first learned that we were having a boy, my initial reactions were:

Sad, no cute girl clothes.

Yes! No teenage girl years!

Aww! :) A little boy! We're going to have a little boy! :)

I grew up surrounded by pink and Barbies. I love Gossip Girl. I loathe sports. What the hell do I know about (straight) stereotypical boy stuff?

Maybe he'll want to be in the glee club or star in his school's production of Fame.

My son has an enormous gift. The absolute best father and role model he could possibly have.

Unlike me, my husband has wanted to be a parent since he was a child. I was more interested in carrying a cap gun in my purse and striking Charlie's Angels poses around every corner of my elementary school, or staging a concert with my Cher doll.

When I was older, I still wasn't bitten by the motherhood bug. Even when my friends started having children, it wasn't something that I was interested in doing myself. My first husband didn't want to have kids and I was happy about that.

But even then, I did have my moments. I went through three periods of time when I was interested in becoming a mother. The first one lasted a few months, the next one a few weeks, and the next a few days. I'm so glad that I never pursued a pregnancy because I would have done so with the wrong man in the wrong life.

When I finally met the love of my life, I wasn't that far past a divorce and the aftermath. When Drew and I first got together, I was concerned because I knew that having kids was a priority for him and I didn't know if it was something I would ever be interested in doing. Then I opened up. To life. To everything.

Drew and I have something that we call, "being open to the divine." Not closing ourselves off to experiences. Looking at what we're offered with an open mind and heart. We developed this together. Our lives have changed so much, become so much more, since we met each other. This is something we'll pass on to our child.

I can't even begin to describe how happy it makes me that our son is going to learn what it means to be a man from his father. A man unlike any I've ever met. Nathaniel is going to learn about patience and sensitivity, and how to express his emotions. As part of our Adventure Club, he'll be encouraged to explore and his sense of wonder will be nurtured. He'll understand what it means to be grateful and appreciative. He'll see what love looks like every day.

Our son is lucky. He's going to have a wonderful father. And a mother who won't mind if he wants to play dress up in her shoes.

Week 18 - It's a Boy!

2010-03-11T06:54:00.000-08:00

We had our 18 week ultrasound on Tuesday, and yes, we found out that we're having a boy! :) We're going to name him Nathaniel Oliver Biehle and call him Nathaniel and Nate.

Our ultrasound tech was cracking me up. It was taking a long time for her to get all of the measurements that she needed. She was like, "This baby is either shy or stubborn...It's been a while since I've had one like this...Challenging." He was wiggling around all over the place to dodge the uterine paparazzi. She had me turn from side to side, sit up and lie back down, and go to the bathroom just to try to get him to move into better positions for his photo shoot. Finally, she was able to get everything that she needed. We'll go over the results with our OB sometime soon.

Last week we signed up for childbirth classes. These are independent of the hospital and are based on the Birthing from Within book. I'm reading the book now and I'm really excited about the classes. We'll start at the end of April and go through May. It's a little early, but we're planning on moving into a new place at the beginning of June and won't have as much time between then and our due date. This week I'm going to start talking to doulas so we can go ahead and hire one soon.

Over the past few days, I've written Nate's name a few times and it made me smile so much. It's kind of like junior high when you want to cover your notebook with someone's name and a bunch of hearts. :) Yesterday I got my first baby gift - tiny little clothes. So adorable. I can't believe that we're going to have a person that's small enough to fit into them! I've also received a couple of wonderful birth stories from some friends of mine who've had great experiences with natural childbirth. They were very inspiring and reassuring.

This is all so exciting! :) I've never been so happy.

Yes, I Felt Something!!!!

2010-03-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

Today I'm CERTAIN I felt it. Quickening. Fluttering. First fetal movement.

There have been a few instances over the past week when I thought I might have felt something, but I wasn't sure. It could have been stomach rumblings, gas, weird creaks, or whatever. But not today.

This morning while I was sitting at my desk and I absolutely felt the bubbly feeling that I've been reading about. And this time, absolutely nothing else was going on in there for sure, so I KNOW that's what it was.

I've felt it several times today. SO FREAKING COOL.

Week 16

2010-02-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a great day.

We got a "negative" result for our Quad Screen.

We met and liked our new OB.

We got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time.

We announced our pregnancy to everyone.

On March 9th we're having our second trimester ultrasound and we'll be able to find out the gender. I'm so excited!

In other news, we toured our first day care center on Monday. They will have a space available when we need it, so we're planning to go ahead and reserve it. There are some things that I don't like about it, but it seems good enough for a backup plan in case we don't get into one of the places we prefer right away. Given how hard it is to find infant day care in this city, it will be a relief to know that we'll at least have somewhere to take our child this fall and I don't have to leave him or her with random panhandlers or Starbucks baristas.

Tears + Laughter Is the New Normal

2010-02-16T07:13:00.000-08:00

My hormones have been making me so crazy lately. One day, I'll feel completely overwhelmed, like there's no way I'm going to be able to do everything I have to do. Note: Some of the things I'm thinking about don't even have to be done for months and, when I'm thinking like I rational person, I realize I have plenty of time to do them. The next day, I'll feel on top of the world, super productive, Ms. Has Everything Under Control. It's even more fun when I feel one way for about 20 minutes, then suddenly switch to feeling the opposite way. Good times.

Also, the sappy happy tears have started. It happens when I'm watching TV and witness a tender moment between a mother and her child. Yesterday it happened in a coffee shop. A mother was holding her tiny newborn at the table next to mine. First, I had an incredible urge to reach over, rub his soft head, and smell him. No, I didn't do it. Then the tears started. Then the laughter. Just thinking about it is making me laugh again. I also got a little teary when I saw a young girl put her arm around her mom. I need help.

In other news, yesterday I started reading Your Best Birth by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein. Having seen their documentary The Business of Being Born, I'm familiar with some of the material, but it's a good refresher and I think it will be helpful in generating questions that we should ask the OB we're meeting with next Thursday. I think it's also going to be a good resource to have when we write up our birth plan.

Next up: Blood draw on Monday for quad screen, results back in a couple of days or so, meeting with our new OB next Thursday. And probably more laughing and crying.

Week 12

2010-01-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, I can see it better this time. I actually was able to see the heartbeat at my appointment on Tuesday! I realized that I wasn't looking for the right thing. I thought it would be a flickering white light, but no, it's blackish grayish bluish. They really should tell you these things.

Also, we saw the baby move! It did a little flip during the ultrasound. That was pretty awesome. It will be at least another month before I will be able to feel any movement. I'm really looking forward to that. At my appointment I found out that I have a posterior placenta. My doctor told me that because of this I'll be able to feel my baby move earlier and my husband will have an easier time feeling him or her kicking and punching as the pregnancy progresses.

Next on the agenda is the quad screen. I was confused about the type of screening test I was actually having, but this is the one. I'm having blood drawn for the test on February 22nd. My doctor said that he usually gets the results back within a couple of days.

We also had to discuss finding a new provider, since the GYN who has been following my pregnancy up until this point no longer practices obstetrics. He gave us a few recommendations. It felt kind of overwhelming to choose between going back to the midwifery clinic and going to an OB with a "midwifery style." After some thought and reading online reviews of the OB he recommended as first choice for us, I think we may have found our OB. We'll be meeting with him on February 25th. I've heard and read that he is very invested in your pregnancy and you as a person, delivers between 90%-97% of his patients' babies, is very open to and encouraging of natural childbirth, that his wife sews muumuus for you to wear at office visits rather than paper or other types of gowns, and a few mothers wrote that after he delivered their baby he brought in a guitar and played a folk song for their new family. LOL! I have to meet this guy.

So, things are going well and I'm starting to feel more positive about this pregnancy. It was great to have another good ultrasound experience and know that everything is progressing as it should be at this point. More later. :)

Week 9

2010-01-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

I know. I can barely see it either.

Yay, a positive ultrasound! My husband and I were so nervous yesterday. The last time we had an ultrasound we found out that we had lost our baby. But yesterday's experience was great. Everything looks good so far - the heartbeat, size, placenta, and other measurements were all fantastic. It definitely gave us a little more confidence that things are going well, even though we're still not past the critical first trimester yet.

We're going back for another ultrasound at 11 weeks, 5 days, just to make sure everything is still going well. We'll have another one done a couple of weeks later as part of the First Trimester Screen. Once we have the results from that, we will decide if we're going to have an amniocentesis or not. I really hope that our screening result ratios are so great that we'll decide we won't need an amnio. I'm worried about the risk of miscarriage from the procedure, even though our doctor has an excellent track record. As far as I'm concerned, the celebration will begin after all that stuff is done and the results are in...somewhere between Week 14 and 17.

Still a while to go, still cautiously optimistic. It's hard to let yourself get completely attached or engaged when you've had a miscarriage. I think I'll feel tons better after the next ultrasound though. That's the same time that we found out we lost our first baby, so it will feel good to get past that mark.

Send good vibes our way!

(Almost) Week 8

2009-12-29T16:16:00.000-08:00

In a couple of days, I'll hit the 8 week mark.

This past week, I've been feeling a little nauseated. No vomiting, but I've definitely felt queasy a few times. The fatigue is hanging on as well. By late afternoon, I'm usually ready for a nap.

I'm also having more weird food things. In addition to oatmeal, as of Christmas Eve, I can no longer eat eggs. I also haven't had chips and salsa for about a week, and have strong desires to eat oranges, apples, and salad. Seriously...NOT...MY...BABY. :)

A week from today, we will have our first ultrasound. I'll be 8 weeks and 5 days at that point. I'm pretty nervous about it since that's when we found out last time that something was wrong with our baby and he or she didn't make it. I really hope that everything is going to be okay with this pregnancy.

Week 6

2009-12-18T09:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday marked the beginning of my 6th week. I remain uninterested in oatmeal and chocolate. Except for hot cocoa, which sounded good last night, but I haven't actually had any yet. This morning's breakfast consisted of a slice of leftover pizza with sundried tomatoes, artichoke hearts, pesto, and about 1 ton of roasted garlic. Yummy.

Last night I had my first "food" craving. Grape soda. What the hell? I can't even remember the last time I had grape soda. Maybe when I was 10. Drew and I rushed to out to our grocery store at 9:30 last night (after I'd been napping for at least half an hour) to track down grape soda. I should have known better than to go to our usual market. I ended up with some sort of organic grape "soda" that actually tasted like real grapes. I didn't want real grapes! I didn't want organic! I wanted old school Welch's grape soda! I wanted Fanta! We ended up stopping at 7-11 where I found Sunkist grape soda. Ahhh...purple foam. Now that's what I'm talking about.

Food Weirdness

2009-12-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

Apparently, oatmeal isn't good enough for this baby.

I've been eating oatmeal for breakfast almost every weekday for months. I mix it up each day by adding different types of fresh fruit and cinnamon, and by using different flavors of oatmeal. I look forward to it every morning.

Looks like this growing being prefers savory breakfast sandwiches. Who knew? I had to stop and grab something on my way to work on Friday and today because oatmeal just sounded sickeningly sweet.

Another weird thing...I've refused chocolate about 5 times in the past two weeks. Just didn't want any. This has NEVER happened before. I don't refuse chocolate even if I just ate a bar of chocolate.

I'm starting to wonder if this baby is really mine.

:)

H1N1 Vaccine?

2009-12-10T15:48:00.000-08:00

Have any of you pregnant women out there had the H1N1 vaccine?

There's some controversy surrounding it. The CDC considers pregnant women a high risk group for this type of flu and recommends that all pregnant women get the vaccine at any time during their pregnancy. However, there have been a few reports of women having miscarriages after getting the vaccine. Of course there's a chance that these miscarriages weren't caused by the vaccine, and the timing was just coincidental.

It's hard to know what to do. My doctor recommended getting the vaccine, and after reading about how dangerous it could be for a pregnant woman to contract swine flu, I decided to get it this morning.

Of course, now I'm nervous about it. I just wanted to see if there are any pregnant women out there who have gotten the vaccine and and their unborn babies are fine. Please let me know if you're out there!

Week 5

2009-12-10T15:33:00.000-08:00

So, I've had some time to settle in with the news. I'm feeling pretty well, except that I've been more tired this week. I've fallen asleep on the couch before 9:00 every night. Last night I even missed Glee. I guess that's what DVRs are for. The only other symptoms I've had so far are bloating and gas. Fun times! :)

Yesterday I went to see my GYN. It was just an appointment to talk about the plan for monitoring this pregnancy. Last time I didn't have my first ultrasound until I was 11 weeks along, and that's when I found out that our baby didn't have a heartbeat and stopped developing at 8-9 weeks. This time, I'll have my first ultrasound on January 5th. I'll be 8 weeks and 5 days at that point. My doctor said I could have it a week earlier, but he won't actually be in town that day. We decided to just wait until he returned from his vacation.

I feel different this time. A lot more cautious in terms of getting too excited about it. Last time I just couldn't wait to tell people that I was pregnant, but I don't feel that way now. Not yet anyway. I'm worried that I'll have another miscarriage. I'm trying to take it day by day, and just be (relatively) excited that I am pregnant right now.

I feel really lucky that I was able to get pregnant again, and do it so quickly. We just started trying again in September, and I got pregnant in November. Getting pregnant twice in seven months without any kind of fertility treatment seems like quite a feat at my age.

So...so far, so good, I suppose. More later!

:)

2009-11-29T16:56:00.000-08:00

I barely squeaked in before my 40th birthday on Tuesday. :)

I feel all kinds of things right now - shocked, excited, nervous, terrified. According to the due date predictor, I'm only 3 weeks along. I'm excited, but because of my previous miscarriage and how early on this is, pretty nervous too.

I'm going to go be in shock for a while now. I just wanted to share this with those of you who've been following my story. :)

Still Working On It

2009-10-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

Last month didn't work out.

I decided to buy the Answer Ovulation Test Kit. At under $20 for 20 test sticks, it was a bargain compared to the more expensive $250 fertility monitor. I started using the sticks on Day 5 of my cycle. On Tuesday (Day 10), I got a positive result. At least my LH seems to be working correctly.

One of the things that happened when I was pregnant was that I became more attuned to my body. I was constantly on the lookout for pregnancy symptoms, so things that I may not have noticed before became really obvious. My recent LH surge is no exception. That afternoon I knew that I was having my LH surge. Wanna know how? I got hot and my face started to flush. I told my friend at work, "I'm totally surging right now." I went home and took the test, and there it was...a positive result.

Now the waiting game is on again. Hopefully in two weeks I'll have a different positive test result.

Better Luck Next Month

2009-09-18T11:27:00.000-07:00

After days of wondering what was going on, I started my period on Thursday.

Since this month was our first chance of getting pregnant since the miscarriage and my last two cycles have been off, we didn't even attempt to figure out my ovulation days this past month. I guess you can say it was a Russian roulette of sorts.

I was thinking of buying a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitorand test sticks yesterday. Not a cheap choice by any means, but it seems to provide a lot of information that could come in handy with my weird cycles of late. I thought about it for a while, and then decided to give it one more month without dropping $200-$250 instead.

I looked at the calendar, found a wide range of possible fertile days (based on a 21 day cycle, a 24 day cycle, and a 28 day cycle), and informed my husband that we'd be having tons of sex between September 22 and October 1st. He was totally on board. :)

If it doesn't happen this time, I'm buying the monitor.

Negative

2009-09-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

Nope. Not pregnant yet.

If I don't start a regular period, I'll take another test next week.

More Waiting

2009-09-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

Mysterious very scant spotting continues. This is day three. No real period yet.

I decided to go ahead and buy pregnancy tests at lunch. Even though I may need to wait another week for enough hCG to show a positive result, I just HAVE to take one today anyway. Just in case.

Counting down the minutes until I can go home and take it. I'm leaving early today. Only 21 minutes to go!

The Waiting Game

2009-09-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

Am I pregnant? Who knows.

There is a chance that I had sex while I was ovulating this month. Since my newly crazy menstrual cycle has left me with no freaking idea of my ovulation schedule, it's a game of wait and see.

Yesterday I thought I was going to have another early period (at 19 days), but so far it's just very slight spotting. Right now I'm thinking this could be 1) the beginning of another early period, or 2) implantation bleeding.

Only time will tell at this point. I'm just trying to go with the flow (hah) and not get too worked up about it either way. If am pregnant, yay, if I'm not, better luck next month.

In other news, my 40th birthday is coming up in December, and yesterday my husband and I decided that we'd celebrate it in NYC. I haven't been to New York since I was 25. I'm so excited!

My Crazy Brain

2009-08-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

I went to a much needed acupuncture session last night. I think the crazy hormone regulation process is boosting my manic tendencies. I've had some real problems focusing lately, and at times it feels like my brain has literally been buzzing.

Also, I got another period. A week and a half before I should have. I guess that's to be expected, but I was kind of surprised since I'd been Ms. 28 days for years. The bright side is that we can throw out the condoms and start trying to conceive again.

It's been so weird lately. I started to realize that I haven't really been thinking about having a baby for the past few weeks. I've been so focused on other things and genuinely enjoying them - working on my novel, trying new restaurants, thinking about traveling - that when Drew brought it up recently, I noticed I hadn't really thought about it. It bothered me. Since I have spent most of my life feeling like I didn't want to have kids, it made me question it. Do I really want a baby?

I talked about it with Drew. I talked about it with a good friend from work. I talked about it, like a million miles an hour, in my brain. I started thinking about some other situations in my life. How I'd cut myself off from emotional risks just to save myself from possibly getting hurt or being disappointed. I started to realize that I may have been subconsciously throwing myself into everything else in my life and blocking out thoughts of possible motherhood because maybe it wouldn't work out. It would be weird to all of a sudden not want to have a baby after I've felt strongly about it for nearly two years. Maybe I was just using a psychological defense mechanism. Sorry, I have a Masters in psychology and a tendency to overanalyze things. :)

And then there's the crazy hormone factor. As my period still isn't back on its normal schedule, I know they're not regulated yet. That has to be playing with my brain processes. I know for sure that it's screwing with my weight.

I read an article in the most recent issue of Whole Living magazine, I think the article had something to do with menopause, but the facts would apply to miscarriage as well. The author said that the dip in estrogen that occurs during menopause leads to an increased production of fat cells. Awesome. What's better than feeling like shit? Being fat and feeling like shit! Right after you have a D&C (or miscarriage, not sure if it is more gradual with a natural miscarriage or not) there is a sharp decline of estrogen, progesterone, and whatever else is involved there. My doctor told me that my hormone levels were so high with the pregnancy that they basically dropped to a "menopausal level" after the D&C. The article I read at least partially explains why I gained weight after the miscarriage.

But enough complaining. I've felt a lot better the past couple of days. I've also been getting more exercise to try wage my own war against the pesky hormones. Thoughts of motherhood have been slowly seeping into my crazy brain again, and I'm looking forward to having a cute baby that I can stroll around Green Lake. I could be on my way relatively soon. :)

The Other Me

2009-08-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

In case you're interested, I also have another blog that (so far) has nothing to do with pregnancy or motherhood. You can find my other rants and musings at Inward Facing Girl.

IFG is my "main" blog, but I didn't want to write about pregnancy or motherhood there until I was ready to share my news with everyone I know. Now I'm really glad that I didn't.

New Jeans

2009-08-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

After wearing yoga pants to a dinner party this weekend, I decided that I just couldn't stand it anymore. I literally had no jeans or pants that fit. Not a single pair. Luckily, it's summer, and I can pretty much live in stretchy American Apparel pull-on skirts. I also work at a place where it's fine for me to wear yoga pants every day, which I've been taking advantage of since I was about 7 weeks pregnant. But I've finally gotten sick of it.

It's one thing to gain weight when you're pregnant. Sure, even then there are times when you feel unattractive and anything but sexy, but at least there's a huge payoff in the end. When you have a miscarriage, you've gained the weight for nothing. You can't wear anything in your closet and you don't have a baby. It's like a double punch in the face.

Yesterday I bought jeans at Old Navy. If you don't know me, you have no idea how huge this is. If you do know me, you may be a little shocked that I've traded in my $180 7 jeans for those that cost $29.50. Other than the size I had to buy, I'm completely satisfied with my new cheap jeans, and glad that I've finally kicked the nasty shopping habit that I picked up the first time I lived in Los Angeles.

Another reason that $30 jeans are good: I'm going to get pregnant again. Soon, I hope. My follow-up appointment went well and I started my first period on Friday. Now I just have to have one more period, then we can start trying again.

I was also happy to find out that the wonderful new doctor that I've found through this experience will see my next pregnancy through its first trimester. He doesn't deliver babies anymore, and I still want to go back to the midwives if everything works out okay, so this will work out perfectly. He'll monitor my HCG levels closely and give me early ultrasounds, which will be a huge relief and will hopefully temper the anxiety I will likely experience during my next pregnancy.

That's all for now. Time to get ready for work, sans yoga pants.

What Happened, Part 2 - Friday, July 3rd and Beyond

2009-08-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

The weekend before the D & C was hard for a few reasons - 1) We weren't ever going to have this baby, 2) Our baby was dead and inside of me, 3) I was worried and scared about the actual D & C procedure. On Friday morning it seemed like Monday was forever away.

We went through lots of emotions that weekend - shock and disbelief, extreme sadness, anger, jealousy when we saw other families, pregnant women, or babies, numbness, attempting to console ourselves with impulse purchases. Can anyone say Blu-Ray DVD player with streaming Netflix and a 50" plasma TV? We did. Oh yes...we really did.

Finally the tremendously long weekend (that I had at one time been really looking forward to) was over and it was time to go into the office for the D & C. As I said before, I was lucky to have an extremely good doctor. He spent at least half an hour just talking to us - asking us how we were doing, telling us what we could expect during and after the procedure, and very patiently and thoroughly answering ALL of our questions about the miscarriage and our future plans to conceive.

Since I want to avoid general anesthesia as much as I can in my life, I opted to have the D & C in his office under a local anesthetic (plus a large Valium + Vicodin cocktail) rather than being completely put under in the hospital. Yes, I was very worried about being awake during it, for both physical and emotional reasons. I was thinking about it all weekend. But in the end I was more worried about general anesthesia.

I went home and waited for the Valium and Vicodin to kick in, then I went back to the office 1 1/2 hours later for the actual procedure. Another thing that I liked about this doctor...they allowed my husband to be in the room with me during the D & C. Having him there to hold my hand and talk to me calmed me SO much. The procedure itself lasted less than 10 minutes. At one point there was some moderate cramping that was relatively prolonged, but the physical pain was nothing compared to the horrific cramps I conjured up for myself in my brain over the weekend. Emotionally I was upset because of the finality it represented, but honestly I was more relieved to have that part over with and to be moving forward.

The first week and a half after the D & C was pretty bad. Lots of hormone shifts, lots of tears, exhaustion, lower back pain, and bleeding. Luckily I was able to take some time off work and work from home for part of the second week. Then the oddest thing happened, which I mentioned briefly in one of my earlier posts. It really felt like a switch had been turned off. A week and a half after the procedure I had a horrible morning full of crying jags and I felt extremely sad. I went home from work early, then lay down on my bed and read for a while. I finished my book, closed it, and all of a sudden I felt a lot better. It was bizarre.

This feeling has lasted ever since then. I mean, I still have my moments. I still feel sad that I lost my baby. I still have moments when I see pregnant women or women with newborns and feel completely jealous of them and tears spring into my eyes. But I feel so much better and generally have a positive attitude.

Now I'm just trying to relax, be present, enjoy the life that I have right now, and be patient. Tomorrow I have my D & C follow-up appointment. Any day now I should start my period. The doctor said that it should happen between 4 and 6 weeks after the D & C. He told us that we can start trying to conceive again after my SECOND period, so that should be sometime next month. Hopefully everything will get back on track and I will be pregnant again as soon as possible. It didn't take long the first time, so maybe I'll get lucky with that the second time too. Please send prayers and good vibes our way. We need them.

Thanks for reading my blog. I'll be updating this whenever I have new information, feelings, or stories to share. Hopefully you'll read good news soon!

What Happened, Part 1 - Thursday July 2nd

2009-07-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned earlier, we went in for our first ultrasound on Thursday, July 2nd. I was 11 weeks pregnant and very excited about seeing our baby for the first time, but also nervous about if the baby was okay.

Early pregnancy is weird. You can't feel the baby move and pregnancy symptoms aren't always there, so sometimes it feels like you're not even pregnant. The ultrasound was going to be my first "real proof" that a baby was actually growing inside of me and that everything was going okay.

I had no signs of a miscarriage. No cramping. No bleeding. Up until the moment of the ultrasound, I thought everything was fine. They did the ultrasound and I saw the baby, but there was no heartbeat. The ultrasound technician took measurements that indicated the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks, 6 days. We were devastated. The technician brought in an apologetic radiologist who confirmed her findings. They told me that nothing needed to be done right away (it was about 4:30 on the Thursday of a holiday weekend), but that I needed to call my midwife on Monday to discuss my options.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait until Monday. Probably 30 minutes after we got home, I got a call from one of the midwives at my midwifery practice. The ultrasound technician had faxed my results to her. She was very sympathetic and talked to me about my options - I could wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally (which could take a couple of weeks), take drugs to make it happen faster, or have a D & C. There was no way I was waiting for anything to happen, naturally or with drugs. I wanted the D & C. I wanted it right that second, but I knew that wasn't possible. She gave me a referral for a GYN and told me that his office was closed on Friday, but I could call him on Monday to schedule the procedure.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait until Monday. Within half an hour, the GYN called me. I didn't answer, so he left a very kind message, told me that he would get me in on Monday morning, and said he'd call me again to talk more about it that weekend. He called me the very next morning...on a holiday weekend...and I'm not even his patient. Seriously, this guy was amazing. One thing I feel lucky about was that I had a very good experience with all of the medical professionals I had to deal with during this time...except for the woman drew my blood at LabCorp on the day of the procedure. She was a beeyotch.

When the shock began to wear off a bit, Drew and I e-mailed the people who knew about the pregnancy and told them what happened. Thank God for e-mail. I would have hated to have to tell everyone in person or by phone. I felt fine talking about it after people initially knew, but it was really hard to actually tell someone what happened. I only had to do that twice, and both were people I wanted to call right away - my mom and my cousin (who had gone through it herself).

The first night was hard. A lot of tears and disbelief. Trying to come to terms that the plans we'd made were not happening, at least not for this baby. Part of me thought of this child as a miracle baby who was meant to be - since I'm older, I got pregnant the very first time that I could when we decided to start trying, and it happened on our honeymoon - and that there was no way anything would go wrong. It was extremely difficult to give up our dreams and plans.

It's Been Really Rough

2009-07-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

Starting yesterday at 5:00 PM was the first time that I've felt really normal for any extended period of time since I found out I'd had a miscarriage. Yesterday morning and early afternoon I felt absolutely horrible, then when I finished reading the very last page of Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously, I closed the book and for some reason felt great. It was really weird given that yesterday was one of my worst days - very high levels of anxiety and many crying spells. Last night my wonderful husband took me to see Bruno and the good mood continued. So far it's lasted on into today. I feel more like myself today since this whole thing started.

I'm planning to write about the miscarriage, what happened, what I had to go through, how I've felt, and how I've tried to deal with it. I think it's going to be better for me to write about these things in small chunks of individual postings. Like I said, I'm having a good day today and am not in the mood to revisit things right now. But since anywhere from 10%-30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and this rate doesn't even count for the very early miscarriages that occur in women who don't even realize they are pregnant, I'd like to share my thoughts and experience in case it will help other women.

Thank you for reading and for your comments and support.

Sad News

2009-07-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

I went to my ultrasound appointment on Thursday and there was no heartbeat. I was 11 weeks pregnant, but the embryo only measured 9 weeks. Yesterday I had a D&C.

I'm going to write more about this experience, as well the journey of my next pregnancy. Right now I'm just having a hard time dealing with this and need to take a break. Writing has always helped me get through difficult times though, so I know I'll be back here soon.

Thanks for your comments and for reading.

First Ultrasound Today - 11 Weeks, One Day

2009-07-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty excited. In just under three hours I'm going to have my very first ultrasound! It's going to be so cool to actually be able to see the baby and really know that something is going on in there. Early pregnancy is so weird because all of these things are happening inside, but you can't really tell. You can't feel the baby moving and you don't look pregnant (although I'm pretty sure I noticed a slight belly bump this morning...either that, or I'm eating too many chips and too much salsa). If you're not having morning sickness (like me), you feel lucky but also wonder if everything is okay in there. It will just be nice to have some confirmation that there is indeed a growing, living baby in my uterus.

I'll also have blood drawn since this ultrasound is part of my first trimester integrated screening. I'm not sure how long I'll have to wait for the results, but I hope mine are good enough to make me feel confident enough to skip the amniocentesis. I really don't want to have a test that has even a slight risk of miscarriage.

More later.

Unsolicited Advice

2009-06-19T06:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a friend warned me against my plan of having a natural childbirth. Granted, she recently experienced a natural birth and I have no idea what it's like, but it was also against her will. She never wanted to have a natural birth. She wanted drugs immediately, but her labor had progressed too far for her to have them. This birth experience went against her birth plan. Already, based on attitude alone, that's not the experience that I would have had.

We've only told a few people about the pregnancy so far. I can't imagine how much "advice" I'm going to get once we're completely out of the closet. Everyone thinks their way is the best way and they just have to pass it on, even if you don't ask. I'm sure it's only just begun. When pregnancy ends, "help" with parenting styles begin.

When people try to tell me that I don't really want what I want, it just pisses me off. These people do not have access to my brain. They have no idea what I think, and it's not my job to sway them to my side. I have no interest in doing that. All women have a unique pregnancy and birth experience. Sure, there are similarities, but I'm talking about the total package. No two pregnancies and births are alike, even for the exact same woman. I don't want to hear how there's no way you could have gotten through birth without an epidural. I don't need my choices to be countered by your horror stories or condescending "you just have no idea" pats on the shoulder.

I'm not saying that I want to live in a vacuum with no advice or information. I do want to know what other women have experienced...IF I ASK THEM. And frankly, if our attitudes toward birth (or parenting or politics or TV or whatever) are at completely opposite poles, guess what? I'm probably not going to ask. If we're not starting out even close to being on the same page, their experience will probably have little relevance to mine. Beliefs, attitudes, perceptions...all of these things play a role in medical or health issues and in life.

It's not like I'm super hardcore on my natural childbirth choice, that there's absolutely no way I would ever have an epidural. Ideally, that is what I would like. I want to do it drug free. But I'm not going to completely close myself off to medicinal pain management if I feel like I really need it. There are just other things I want to try first (hanging out in the tub, walking and moving around a lot...things I couldn't do with an epidural). In an ideal world, that will be enough for me. We'll see how it works out.

I would like to talk to some women who have had a natural childbirth and were happy with their choice. I feel like it's kind of hard to find those women, because we're pretty much taught to fear childbirth and many women wouldn't even consider having a baby without an epidural. I'm scared too, but I think that talking to women who have a more positive view of childbirth will help.

Week 8

2009-06-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

Here are the big things (including my breasts) that have been going on lately.

I had to buy new bras...that were 2 cup sizes and 1 band size bigger than what I had been wearing! I told the saleswoman that I wanted something comfortable and supportive, and that I'd like to avoid underwire if possible. I had tried a new bra the week before, and while it fit fine in the morning, by afternoon the underwire was carving an unwelcome design into my skin and making my life miserable. She suggested the Wacoal Awareness Wireless bra and it's working for me so far.

My jeans have become tighter and more uncomfortable. I can still button some of them, but the result is something that muffin top doesn't even begin to describe. I decided that American Apparel was going to be my new BFF. Bring on the yoga pants, long tanks for layering, leggings, and soft jersey skirts with expandable waistlines!

On Tuesday I had my first prenatal appointment. I really liked the Certified Nurse Midwife that I met with, but unfortunately she isn't part of the practice and was just filling in for someone who was on maternity leave. The practice consists of four CNMs, and Drew and I will meet and get to know each one during my pregnancy. This visit consisted mostly of a long Q&A. We were really happy with her answers to our questions about the "rules" of labor under the care of the practice. I am free to move around during labor (a.k.a., not constantly attached to an IV or fetal monitor), I can eat or drink during labor if I want, and I am encouraged to give birth in the position that is most "comfortable" and natural for me. These are some of the questions we had after watching The Business of Being Born.

She also told us about this cool option that they have for prenatal appointments called Centering Pregnancy. Instead of traditional appointments, you meet on your scheduled day with a group of about eight pregnant women (and their partners, if they'd like to come) who are due at the same time that you are. Each of you have your private time with the CNM, then you meet as a group for a long Q&A discussion session. It sounds like a great way to meet other women or couples and build a community support system. We're really excited to try it out. Our first appointment is July 29th.

Yesterday, I scheduled an ultrasound and labwork for my integrated screening test that will check for the likelihood of Down Syndrome and other genetic issues. Once we have the results of these tests, we'll decide if we want to pursue further testing. This will happen on July 2nd. I'm kind of nervous about it because of my "advanced maternal age," but mostly I've been feeling pretty positive and trying not to dwell on possibilities. I'm going in with the attitude that my baby is healthy, and happy from all the root beer he or she has been begging for. Yes, this is a new thing. I hardly ever drank soda before my pregnancy.

That wraps up the big things for now. The journey continues...

Pregnancy Books

2009-06-05T06:42:00.000-07:00

The day after I took my home pregnancy test, I rushed to the Baby Center website and began reading all about pregnancy. I'm a book person, so I was excited that it was time to start reading pregnancy books and find out about all of the things I used to think that I never wanted to know.

I'm reading a few right now. The first one is the one that everyone reads, according to their marketing anyway, What to Expect When You're Expecting: 4th Edition. It's interesting to see what's going on with your body and your baby each week, and what different fruit your baby morphs into. As my husband says, "Why does everyone want to eat our baby?" I'm in Week 7, so my baby is the size of a blueberry. Some people have problems with this book. I've heard that it's "too scary" and that it talks about issues that hardly ever happen and tends to freak women out. I haven't had that experience so far, but I'm also skipping over things that don't apply to me. If it's not happening right now (or I'm not interested in learning about it), there's no need to read it.

I'm also reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I've only read the first section of this book so far, which is a bunch of women's birth stories. It's pretty cool, but I have to admit that I got a little bored and didn't read all of them. It was nice to read stories of real women and what they actually went through in labor, emotionally and physically. I'm not giving birth at The Farm (and unfortunately, I might be too afraid to NOT give birth in a hospital), but it does sound fascinating and I'm kind of envious of some of these women and the experience that they got to have there.

The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy is my absolute least favorite so far. I've actually been offended by it a few times, and I'm not even halfway through it. It comes across as very pro-obstetrician and anti-midwife, but in a condescending way. I mean, there's basically one paragraph devoted to midwifery, followed by a How to Choose Your Obstetrician section with an annoying introduction that says something like, "You see how we've chosen for you to use an Obstetrician instead of a Midwife?" Ugh. It also tends to portray the husband or male significant other as a bumbling boob who can't understand or deal with anything, which is definitely not the case in my relationship. I love you, Sweetie. Also, the author appears to think you're insane if you want a natural childbirth. It seems like she's more comfortable with a scheduled C-section than anything in the natural realm. If this is your "girlfriend," who needs enemies? From what I've read to this point, I wouldn't recommend this book to anyone, and I'm not sure if I'll even bother finishing it.

This is a book that is on my "to read" list: Birthing from Within: An Extra-Ordinary Guide to Childbirth Preparation. There's also an accompanying website, which lists classes or workshops in your area. My husband found out about this during his pregnancy and birth research. See, not a bumbling boob. It seems to have a very "woman power" kind of vibe, and I like that.

Which pregnancy or parenting books have you read and enjoyed? I'm always looking for new ones to add to my list, so please pass them on!

How Do You Keep Yourself?

2009-05-29T12:48:00.001-07:00

This is a question I've thought about, somewhere between, "How am I supposed to get a whole baby out of me?" "How will I know how to take care of my baby?" "How are we going to afford this?" and "If my child is a girl, will she really hate me when she's a teenager?"

Huge changes are coming, and almost all of them are very exciting. I'm so happy that I'm on this journey and I want this so much. However, sometimes my mind wanders back to the essay I wrote six years ago when I was "absolutely certain" that I didn't want to have children and I wonder how I will still manage to have time for myself and pursue my own dreams and interests. I know I'll be super excited about and super proud of my little munchkin, but I don't want to be the woman who only talks about her child and his or her accomplishments. I want to remain interesting.

If you're a mom, how do you it? How do you be everything - a mom, a wife, and yourself?

Week 6 - Hormones

2009-05-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

Last night I cried during One Tree Hill. Yes, I watch this show and yes, it's horrible. This didn't happen during a type of scene that would have normally made the tears flow, like someone dying or a super sappy "finally expressing their love" moment, but when a character finally reached his career goal after years of trying to get there. Apparently, it's not that easy to get into the NBA, even in the land of really bad make-believe. As a rule, One Tree Hill is known for making me laugh during "emotional" moments, so I was pretty surprised by the waterworks.

Ahh, hormones.

Week 5

2009-05-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

Wednesday marked the official start of my 5th week. Nothing too "exciting" in terms of symptoms yet.

Fatigue...check.

Occasional sore breasts...check.

Cheek/neck flushing...check.

Bloating...check.

I haven't had any nausea yet. Maybe I won't get any. I've been taking a B-Complex vitamin for the past few months, and my acupuncturist told me that between that dose of B6 and my prenatal dose of B6 that I'm nearly getting what's prescribed to women who experience nausea during their pregnancy. Not puking would rule.

I have told a very select few our news and it was fun to be able to share it. These are the same people I would want to talk to if the pregnancy doesn't work out, so I'm totally okay with having to tell them bad news if necessary. But it won't be. :)

It's amazing what you have to start thinking about already. Like child care. I can't just leave bowls of food and water on the floor and head off to work. Apparently there is an infant child care shortage in Seattle and I need to get on waiting lists, like yesterday. Seriously. For center-based day care, women call in as soon as they are pregnant. Some even lie and call in earlier. For home-based day care or nanny shares (which I'll probably end up doing because of the cost), you arrange it 2 or 3 months beforehand.

But today, I'll just enjoy the beginning of a 3 day weekend and the gorgeous Seattle sunshine.

First Prenatal Visit Scheduled

2009-05-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I scheduled my first prenatal visit. Yes, another BabyCenter link. No, I don't work for them. It's really just that informative.

I'm going to see the midwife on June 9th, right before the day of the beginning of my 8th week. It seems like the visit will mostly be a bunch of tests. My husband is going to go with me and he's already preparing questions to ask the midwife. I need to get to work on that!

I'm still not having any real symptoms except for fatigue. I had one hot flash at work yesterday. That was weird. I've never had anything like that before. I went to the bathroom and my neck and face were red, then I went back into my office to see if it is a pregnancy symptom. It is.

Last night I actually felt like I had some extra energy before dinner, then I crashed during How I Met Your Mother. I guess my sweet little parasite has already decided to disrupt my TV viewing schedule. :)

Settling into Reality

2009-05-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first full day living with the knowledge of being pregnant. As I said, I really have no idea what to expect. Most of my life I felt like I didn't want to have children. Once I even wrote an essay about all of the reasons why I didn't want to join the motherhood club. Even though I changed my mind about it over a year ago, some of those things still scare the hell out of me.

My husband and I have decided to mostly keep quiet about our news until we get through the first trimester. We did tell our parents and I told my office mate at work, people we would want support from if the pregnancy doesn't work out.

I've decided to start out with a Certified Nurse Midwife and move to an OB/GYN if there are problems or if I change my mind about the midwife experience. I'm going to go with one of the midwives that have hospital privileges because I think I'd have greater peace of mind delivering at a hospital than I would at home or a birth center.

On Monday I'll call to schedule my first prenatal appointment. From what I've read, most practitioners won't see you until week 6 or 8, so I've got at least a couple of weeks to go before the appointment.

I'm not really experiencing much in the way of symptoms right now. I've felt more tired than usual (mostly in the afternoons and early evening), and I think I've had more gas (but my husband is trying to say that it's normal for me). That's it so far. Maybe that's all a poppyseed will do. The newsletters from BabyCenter tell you the size of your baby in terms of different foods. Right now, he or she is a poppyseed. Stay tuned for sesame seed.

My Pregnancy Test Is Positive? Seriously?

2009-05-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

Wow.

I was scheduled to start my period on Wednesday, May 13th. I haven't even been back from my Italian honeymoon for a week, and while I knew that it was (barely) possible for me to be pregnant, I thought absolutely no way. I'm 39 years old. It's going to take at least 6 months. Guess again, people...sometimes it only takes a few weeks, even for us "old" mothers-to-be.

Yesterday I decided to take a pregnancy test. I had a couple left over from last year when my optometrist totally freaked me out and wondered if my vision improved because I was pregnant. I hadn't even missed a period, but I rushed to Rite Aid to buy a pregnancy test (that was actually a kit of 3 tests). I really didn't expect the test to be positive. I really thought it would be much harder for me to get pregnant given my age. But I peed on the little stick, walked out of the bathroom for 2 to 3 minutes, and came back to a digital readout that said "Pregnant." My husband's eyes were filled with tears (of joy). About 45 minutes and 4 glasses of water later, I took the second test. A less fancy, light blue plus sign (there was only one digital test in the pack).

Wow.

This morning I've been perusing The Bump and BabyCenter. Who knew that your due date is calculated from the first day of your last period? According to this logic, I'm in the 4th week of my pregnancy, even though I'm pretty sure I got pregnant on my honeymoon in Sorrento or Florence on April 29, 30, or May 1 which makes me only about 2 weeks pregnant.

I know nothing about pregnancy, childbirth, or being a mother. This is going to be a fun ride.